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I kindly request feedback please!

Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 9:14 pm
by atar
It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?




Nowadays, an issue of constant debate is about the importance of including national history in the school's syllabus over the corresponding global and vice versa.Whilst,both of them are indispensable aspects of the academic knowledge,it would be more suitable in the setting of school to place more emphasis on the local records,for a variety of reasons.

Re: I kindly request feedback please!

Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2016 1:57 pm
by David.IELTS.Examiner
Hello!

This is only the introduction. The first sentence is fine but the second includes 'indispensable aspects of the academic knowledge' and 'local records' which, frankly, are pretty bad phrasing.

Looking forward to the whole essay.

All the best,
David

Re: I kindly request feedback please!

Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2016 7:06 pm
by atar
Thank you for the feedback, i really appreciate that