I kindly request feedback please!

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It is more important for school children to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?




Nowadays, an issue of constant debate is about the importance of including national history in the school's syllabus over the corresponding global and vice versa.Whilst,both of them are indispensable aspects of the academic knowledge,it would be more suitable in the setting of school to place more emphasis on the local records,for a variety of reasons.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

This is only the introduction. The first sentence is fine but the second includes 'indispensable aspects of the academic knowledge' and 'local records' which, frankly, are pretty bad phrasing.

Looking forward to the whole essay.

All the best,
David

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Thank you for the feedback, i really appreciate that