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Dear Ryan,

Here is my essay written with the topic on your website. I know you are very busy, so I don't ask for your favour to correct it. However, if you have some time, please have a look at the essay and let me know the score in your opinion. Thanks a lot

TOPIC:

Should children go to nursery school prior to their primary studies? Share personal examples in your essay, if applicable.

ANSWER:

An often debated topic is whether parents should send their children to nurseries before primary education. While some people advocate this, I would contend that it would be better for children to be raised at home.( avoid I , try to be less personal )
It is argued that keeping the child in nursery is not beneficial for their development .
This essay will analyse the facts that sending the kids to nursery would adversly affect parents child relationship and at times may result in dangerous accidents .

To begin with, keeping young children at home develops a better bond between them and their parents. It is because proximity to parents plays an important role in the development of child. However, young parents today tend to ( prefer to keep their child in nurseries in order to have more time for their personal lives. Not only , this will result in inadequate care, they will also feel dejected from their parents. This will gradually cause weakening of parent and child bond. ( Try to incorporate some example ) . For example , a study from Australia suggest that children who spent more time at home rather than nurseries performed at later grades in the school as they feel mentally more strengthened . Thus , it is obviously clear that............

More importantly, sending children to nursery schools does not guarantee safety all the time in comparison with keeping them at home. Caretakers at these schools are usually responsible for at least a dozen of children at the same time, and they cannot keep an eye on each child all the time. Meanwhile, young boys and girls are very active and playful, and just a second of neglect can lead to serious accidents . In contrast, those infants who are raised at home are provided with safe care by parents and dangerous accidents can be easily avoided . Give example .......

In conclusion, I keep the firm hold on the view that keeping children at home is a much better and safer way to raise them than giving the responsibility to nursery centres.

After analysing the above facts , it is obviously clear that sending kids to nursery is not as beneficial as keeping them at home . Hence , it is predicted that more and more parents would prevent sending their kids to nursery .



I tried to give some tips , which I understood from Ryan' essay model .

In exam , I think you can score up to 6 . But don't worry , we will improve together our banding . We can do it . Keep pushing . Help each other .
Good luck .

hi tina and duong,
please help me as well i am also on the same boat


TOPIC:

Should children go to nursery school prior to their primary studies? Share personal examples in your essay, if applicable.

ANSWER:

An often debated topic is whether parents should send their children to nurseries before primary education. While some people advocate this, I would contend that it would be better for children to be raised at home.( avoid I , try to be less personal ) It is believed that the children should be raised at home
It is However,manyargued that keeping the child in nursery is not beneficial for their development .
This essay will analyse the facts thattry to avoid that in formal essay sending the kids to nursery would adversly affect parents child relationship and at times may result in dangerous accidents .

To begin with, keeping young children at home develops a better bond between them and their parents. It is because proximity to parents plays an important role in the development of child. However, young parents today tend to ( prefer to keep their child in nurseries in order to have more time for their personal lives. Not only , this will result in inadequate care, they will also feel dejected from their parents. This will gradually cause weakening of parent and child bond. ( Try to incorporate some example ) . For example , a study from Australia suggest that children who spent more time at home rather than nurseries performed at later grades in the school as they feel mentally more strengthened.with this example try to link what From this example Thus , it is obviously clear that............

More importantlyTo begin with but in next para more importantly ??, sending children to nursery schools does not guarantee safety all the time in comparison with keeping them at home. Caretakers at these schools are usually responsible for at least a dozen of children at the same time, and they cannot keep an eye on each child all the time. Meanwhile, young boys and girls are very active and playful, and just a second of neglect can lead to serious accidents . In contrast, those infants who are raised at home are provided with safe care by parents and dangerous accidents can be easily avoided .(topic clearly shows prove example which is importantin one paragraph u included more info like in contrast a) Give example .......

In conclusion, Ido not use personal pronoun in formal essay instead use it keep the firm hold on the view that keeping children at home is a much better and safer way to raise them than giving the responsibility to nursery centres.try u recommend about future

After analysing the above facts , it is obviously clear that sending kids to nursery is not as beneficial as keeping them at home . Hence , it is predicted that more and more parents would prevent sending their kids to nursery .

Thanks Tina and Saran,

I appreciate your feedback. However, I don't think that examples work on this essay. The main function of the conclusion is to summarize the main points and restate your opinion, and as such I believe "future recommendation" is sometimes unnecessary.

Duong wrote:Dear Ryan,

Here is my essay written with the topic on your website. I know you are very busy, so I don't ask for your favour to correct it. However, if you have some time, please have a look at the essay and let me know the score in your opinion. Thanks a lot

TOPIC:

Should children go to nursery school prior to their primary studies? Share personal examples in your essay, if applicable.

ANSWER:

An often debated topic is whether parents should send their children to nursery schools before primary education. While some people advocate this, I would contend that it would be better for children to be raised at home.

To begin with, keeping young children at home develops a better bond between them and their parents. It is because proximity to parents plays an important role in the development of children. However, young parents today tend to have their children taken care of at nursery schools or kindergartens at a very young age to have more time on their personal lives. Not only will the children receive insufficient care, they will also feel neglected and distant from their parents. This will gradually cause a lack of daily communication as well as mutual affection from both sides.

More importantly, sending children to nursery schools does not guarantee safety all the time in comparison with keeping them at home. Caretakers at these schools are usually responsible for at least a dozen of children at the same time, and they cannot keep an eye on each child all the time. Meanwhile, young boys and girls are very active and playful, and just a second of neglect can lead to serious, if not to say deadly consequences. In contrast, those infants being raised at home are given better care, so they can avoid potential dangers caused by the inattention of adults.

In conclusion, I keep the firm hold on the view that keeping children at home is a much better and safer way to raise them than giving the responsibility to nursery centres.

It is my pleasure to provide you some guidance, Duong. I wish I had more time in the day to get to everyone's writing.

(Special thanks for your input, Tina. I think you raise some very valid points regarding Duong's grammar that I will amplify in my assessment here.)

The first thing I would like to address, Duong, is your introduction paragraph. The background sentence is OK (aside from a mild parallelism issue), but the thesis isn't completely in line with the essay question. "Raised at home" can be misinterpreted to mean "live at home until fully grown". As the question is only asking for a comment on whether children should go to nursery school or not, this thesis is misaligned. I am also unsure why you haven't provided an outline sentence. An outline sentence creates instant cohesion between the paragraphs of the essay.

In future, try to make your examples more tangible. Talking generally about what some people "tend to" do is not convincing. If you could share a real trend occurring in your country, you add a certain weight to your argument, and this greatly increases the overall strength of the essay's message.

The concluding sentences of your supporting paragraphs do little to tie these paragraphs back to the thesis. As you are also missing the outline sentence, there is very little linking the various parts of the essay together. Thus, I would anticipate your cohesion score in the exam to be low.

There are several areas of lexical awkwardness. "It is because" should be "this is because". The "more time on their personal lives" section of that sentence should be completely reworded. The topic sentence beginning "more importantly" needs to be completely restructured to something like: It is also of great importance to note the increased safety found within the home.

My advice to you is to review my videos on essay structure. Make an effort to shorten your sentences, as you are not yet able to control the grammar within the longwinded ideas you have presented in this essay.

I would gauge this essay roughly a band 5.5.

Good luck!
Ryan

Your feedback is also very helpful, Saran. (Sorry, I didn't see you post the first time I looked at this thread.) I think your points about cohesive language are valid.

As Duong pointed out, this is an essay written in response to a question I modeled on my blog. Here is the model answer:

In most countries today, children attend some form of preschool before engaging their studies at primary school. Although many feel this is an ideal arrangement, this essay will argue that a strong familial environment at home can replace the need for a child to attend nursery school. This will be shown by analyzing how the skills needed for elementary studies can be taught at home and how having additional time with parents can help strengthen a child’s sense of family.

For one, many of the skills a child develops in preschool can be taught by parents. For example, when my nephew was 3, ‘sharing’ was one of the main topics the very young were expected to have mastered upon entry into primary school. Despite not having attended preschool, my nephew finished his kindergarten years at the top of his class and was given a special award for his particularly strong sense of sharing. This example makes it clear that nursery school attendance should not be assumed a precursor to success in elementary school.

In addition to this, preschool-aged children are forced to engage the world of academia before they have had a chance to properly bond with their parents. For instance, a study in the US recently revealed a link between preschool attendance and childhood feelings of abandonment. As this report shows, a clear link appears to exist in many cases between nursery school students and subpar parental relations. Thus, encouraging the very young to attend preschool studies may not be as positive a course of action as many think.

Following this look at how parents can both set an academic foundation and establish stronger relations with their children, the conclusion can be drawn that nursery schools do not need to be attended prior to primary studies. It is hoped parents the world over recognize that education and childhood development extend beyond the classroom.

A few things to note:
-Notice how the outline sentence in this model adds to the overall cohesiveness of the essay. Duong's essay is missing this.
-The cohesive phrases in the model answer add logical linking between thoughts.
-The examples are tangible. There are personal pronouns, but this is OK because the essay question asks for personal examples. In Duong's attempt, the examples are somewhat ambiguous.

(Please do not be discouraged by my comments, Duong! My goal is to see you grow as a writer of English. Good luck next attempt.)

There is also a video that accompanies this essay:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPzeF8mVUMI