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If we want to save the future of the planet,we will have to drastically change our way of life,what is your opinion?
In todays world,everybody can easily witness from the TV,radio,magazines and newspapers that they are shouting without stopping, so they state numerous perils are coming up to Earth.But what are the most effective measures to be taken in order to reduce them? Some people believe that significant changes occurred in this planet will presumably reach to an alarming degree,so that we have to take serious actions in different ways.Otherwise,inevitable casualties will turn into reality.I completely agree with this viewpoint and in this essay ,I will support my opinion with examples.
Firstly,I would like to emphasize that future life of the planet depends on activity of community and individuals on the Earth.In other words,each member of society should attempt to bring up his/her children in proper way in terms of polluting our atmosphere.Because our planet demands special care from us for providing existence of life on Earth.
Secondly,In most countries around the world,there are a lot of firms,factories and other organizations which throw away their useless products and pollute the environment in a variety of ways.Eventually,all these cases lead to air-pollution,the condamination of water and so on.Therefore,the government should make a resistance to these industries,it has to join its power with volunteers in order to save the planet.
In conclusion,although it is a comman belief that the planet will recover its structure by itself gradually.I believe, both government and community will have to participate in helping to our planet in the near future.

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Durai

If we want to save the future of the planet,we will have to drastically change our way of life,what is your opinion?


In todays world,everybody can easily witness from the TV,radio,magazines and newspapers that they are shouting without stopping, so they state numerous perils are coming up to Earth.But what are the most effective measures to be taken in order to reduce them? Some people believe that significant changes occurred in this planet will presumably reach to an alarming degree,so that we have to take serious actions in different ways.Otherwise,inevitable casualties will turn into reality.I completely agree with this viewpoint and in this essay ,I will support my opinion with examples.

Firstly,I would like to emphasize that future life of the planet depends on activity of community and individuals on the Earth.In other words,each member of society should attempt to bring up his/her children in proper way in terms of polluting our atmosphere.Because our planet demands special care from us for providing existence of life on Earth.

Secondly,In most countries around the world,there are a lot of firms,factories and other organizations which throw away their useless products and pollute the environment in a variety of ways.Eventually,all these cases lead to air-pollution,the condamination of water and so on.Therefore,the government should make a resistance to these industries,it has to join its power with volunteers in order to save the planet.

In conclusion,although it is a comman belief that the planet will recover its structure by itself gradually.I believe, both government and community will have to participate in helping to our planet in the near future.[/quote]

In today(')s world,everybody can easily witness from the TV( "telvision", use abbreviated form),radio,magazines and newspapers that they are shouting without stopping( not sure whether this is grammatical correct, if it's an idiom then its ok), so they state numerous perils are coming up to Earth.( when I read this, I didn't catch any points,i think it's a fragment) But what are the most effective measures to be taken in order to reduce them? ( try to avoid rhetorical questions, unless you language is in band 9 level)Some people believe that significant changes occurred in this planet will presumably reach to an alarming degree,so that we have to take serious actions in different ways ( try to address question directly, so the examiner understand your view point easily).Otherwise,inevitable casualties will turn into reality.I completely agree with this viewpoint and in this essay ,I will support my opinion with examples.

Firstly,I would like( avoid pronoun, use only if you are giving personal opinion, and mostly one place in an essay) to emphasize that (the )future life of the planet depends on (the)activity( activities) of (the )community and (the)individuals on the Earth.In other words,each member of (the|) society should attempt to bring up his/her children in (a)proper way in terms of polluting our atmosphere.( what do you mean by terms of polluting atmosphere, you need to explain clearly)Because our planet demands special care from us for providing existence of life on (the) Earth.

Secondly,In( in) most countries around the world,there are a lot of firms,factories and other organizations which throw away their useless products(,) and pollute the environment in a variety of ways.( you need to give at least one example of that ways to convince reader, reader cannot just assume) Eventually,(no comma)all these cases lead to air-pollution,the condamination( "contamination") of water and so on.Therefore,the government should (make a resistance to)( "restrict" is appropriate) these industries.( these two sentences doesn't relate each other)It has to join its power with volunteers in order to save the planet.

In conclusion,although it is a comman ("common")belief that the planet will recover its structure by itself ( itself ?) gradually.I believe, both government and community will have to participate in helping to our planet in the near future. ( i didn't see any relation between intro and conclusion. you need to just repeat what you have discussed but in different word forms)


Tr band 5, idea is relevant but not examples to substantiate reasons
CC band 5, there is some logical flow, but errors and word forms however needs attention by reader.
LR band 5, inaccurate word forms , "planet" word repeated 6 times, "earth" 3 times

GR & A band 5, grammar errors , redundant expression, fragments..

Overall band 5. ( though, I am not an assessor , its only my suggestion)

use simple meaningful sentences, give reasons, example and explain.