David, Could you pls check my Work ?

[monir301]

In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

It is almost accepted that life is full of adventures. For this reason, we have to spend time to learn many things and gathering skills those are life oriented. In my opinion, before starting university studies, students can achieve some skills and experience also for their future life. Along with, practical knowledge, which is related with desire subject, will help to understand the field very well.

On the one hand, working or traveling to quest for knowledge will benefit a student many ways. First of all, adapting with the world and there is no argument about the hardship, it means to become a leader or specialist on specific arena. Interestingly, working for a specific vision is appreciated. For example- my father had a dream to become a broker. Therefore, he started his journey long before to enter university. Surely, he is a great broker. His early worked experience helped him to analysis the market well. Even those who work to minimize their cost for higher studies, they’ll get the real taste of achieving new things. Along with, taking a period to reconstruct oneself, his work or travel experience will give him to make ends meet.

On the other hand, some people are not in the favor of working or traveling. They firmly believe that a fresh completed high school student has so many lacking. He may fall many traps that might be discouraged him. Unfortunately, they may never come back to study. As a result, the real purpose of study – enlighten them- would destroy. I feel that a recently completed high school student will face to deal with someone new. Therefore, it would better them to carry their studies and make them fit for upcoming challenges.

In conclusion, although a student who lately completed his high school, he has so many lacking about real life and so on, but I prefer only for learning the real condition of world- unemployment, more completion, high skilled required and so on- that will help them to think carefully about their future, student should work or travel for a certain period.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

The errors in vocabulary and grammar make this essay very difficult to understand.

First main paragraph - The second sentences is almost incomprehensible. The use of 'interestingly' in the third sentence makes no sense. The example doesn't clearly mention travel - 'journey' could mean career.

Second main paragraph - Second sentence - what 'lacking'? Why might travel discourage a person? Is not studying at university such a bad thing? The sixth sentence is completely random!

Sorry, but this essay needs to be completely rewritten.
David