Please evaluate

[faruk079]

Question: Various kinds of practical education such as money management should be included in the High school education. Do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

High school education is deemed to be the most significant part of students by the education experts. This is because, this is the time when they are taught about various basic things. Several people think that some practical skills should be taught in the schools, while others are against it.

There are numerous reasons why many people think that such types of courses should be included in the curriculum. At the outset, various kinds of practical subjects such as vocational training or money management would play indispensable roles in children’s lives to build brighter prospects. For example, if a student is taught regarding money management during this time, it would assist him or her to understand the value of money. Moreover, such kind of courses will help them to get higher education on those subjects. In addition, the pupils, who need to support their families fiscally, can be involved in such kind of part time jobs, so that they can support their families and can continue their education uninterruptedly.

On the contrary, there are several reasons why numerous people are against it. At first, this time is very vulnerable for the adolescents and children. This is because, during this time they take any decision emotionally rather thinking properly. Hence, if they are involved with the activities which are related to money, they might go to the wrong path. They might waste the money by spending it for any harmful things. Moreover, involvement with these activities may hinder their studies and might deviate them from their eventual goals. For example, if they are involved with any activities relating to the money, they might spend it for buying any drugs or go to any places which are prohibited for them. Hence, it will have a bad impact on their careers.

In conclusion, it can be said that, everything has pros and cons. Although involving with such kind of practical tasks may have detrimental effects, it is inevitable for a country’s development. Hence, parents must take care of their children properly, so that they are not involved with any illegal activities.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Faruk,
There is only one big problem with this essay - the second main paragraph. The question statement only suggests that financial education could be included in the curriculum. It does not suggest that high school students are given full financial control.
Aside from that (which is a very big problem!) this is a good essay. I'd suggest revising the second main paragraph and reposting.
All the best,
David

[faruk079]

Thank you David for your valuable suggestion.
However, in the second paragraph I stated the positive impacts over the students for teaching various practical subjects i.e. money management.

Would you please predict a band score for this writing?