please assess my ielts writing task 2

[fasah]

Improvements in health, education and trade are essential for the develpoment of poor nations. However, the govt. of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping poor nations ovement in heath, trade and education are essential for the development of poorer in such areas. Agree or disagree.

The developing countries of the world are struggling hard to organise a sound system in the sectors of heath, education and commerce. However, to marvel efficiently is still too far to achieve. In fact, it seems agreeable for poorer nations to take help for their development from strong nations. This will be proven after analyzing the outcomes of various voluntary programs and propagation of trade friendly campaigns.

Firstly, the incorporation of foreign experts and resources in the form of helping hands schemes can be a great step to overcome challenges impeding the progress of health and educational sectors. For example,the establishment of small scale hospitals,provision of drugs and equipments, scheduled visits of trained health professionals can contribute to improve medical setup. Moreover, these practices in long term will ultimately eradicate and prevent diseases that are otherwise, wiped off the face of developed countries. In turn, it is cleared that the philanthropist activities of affluent nations are a great source of improving backbone systems of poor countries.

Secondly, it is observed that international recognisation of trading products can aid to flourish country's economy. For instance, steps like excising duty on trade items, introduction of adequate APR loans programs and cancellation of heavy debts can make international market accessible for poor countries. Undoubtedly, the approval of strong nations can only make this possible. Consequently, these negotiations over trading can breed oppurtunities for less fortunate countries stand up and support themselves.

In summary, the assistance programs preferably for health and education and implementation of trade preferable decisions can be counted as a blessing for less fortunate countries.to conclude, it is not wrong for rich countries to help poor nations to stabilize. While the external help is mandatory to lay some basic developmental infrastructure, it is also recommended that individuals should take this help as a responsibilty to make difference for themselves.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Fasah,

Introduction - good

First main paragraph - I like the beginning but the final two sentences are a little confusing/unclear. You are also assuming that poorer countries will not prevent these programs and that the money will automatically go to these good causes.

Second main paragraph - Yes ... but ... you seem to think that this relies on wealthier countries alone, poorer countries having no power to change things.

Conclusion - good, but what is the role of individuals? You mention them only in the conclusion.

Overall, some very good vocab and good grammar, but some points are undeveloped and/or unclear.

Al the best,
David