Please assess my writing task two

[Doni Nacho]

Topic : Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sport facilities, others however say that this qould have little effect on public health and other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Essay :
In today's world, the healthcare of people has become a number one concern amongst individuals. Multitude of people claim that, constructing sport facilities is sufficient to maintain a healthy lifestyle, whilst opponents argue that, adding sports to our schedules is not enough and other steps should be taken forward.
From the one perspective, sports serve a great purpose, assist to enhance the public health. It can be argued that, individuals, who are in the sphere of sports tend to not het sick. Take sport players, for example that as a result of exercising from dawn to dusk, they rarely go to the hospitals because of their illnesses. Thus, proliferating the range of sports facilities aids people to fet into shape and deter them from various diseases.
Nonetheless, all these are surely not enough to follow a healthy life. Although sport facilities are extremely advantageous to the healthcare of people, not all people are capable of making the time or money to exercise regularly in sport gyms because of harsh schedule or poor living conditions. In this way, the authorities could promote mass media to increase the public awareness about the severe impacts o incorrect eating or consuming high-proteined meals excessively or etc.
Taking whats mentioned above brings one conclusion that, regardless of the benefits of training extensively, one can not be wholely healthy because of not everyone's affordability or the busy time of them. The author of this essay believes that, the government should imply other ways of measurement such as making people aware of the forthcoming effects of illnesses to make the populatuon healthy.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Doni,
I'm mainly concerned about the clarity of this essay.
1. Your point about sports people not getting sick or ill is not clear. I mean, they do. In addition, those people might actually use medical facilities more because of sports injuries.
2. You might prevent people from getting diseases, but not deter.
3. You seem to suggest that gyms are the only place where people can exercise. Is that really true?
4. There's a sudden jump from gyms to mass media and eating habits. I'm not sure what connection you are trying to make.
5. You mention excessive protein consumption and poor living conditions in the same point. It's very unlikely that people in poor living conditions are going to eat too much protein.
6. According to your conclusion, excessive exercise is not possible for most people. Is that really a problem?
7. 'The author of this essay' ... You mean 'I'?
8. imply? forthcoming?
Overall, unclear and not well developed. Be careful about spelling too.
All the best,
David