Essay Evaluation

[Owais]

Topic: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over the last two decades, women have gained more empowerment in society. More and more women have stepped foot in professional working environment. Therefore, many people believe that several issues related to young people, such as minor crimes, are due to the fact that their mothers spend most of their time away from home, working. I disagree with the idea that such delinquencies can be controlled if married women spent more time upbringing their children rather than working. The arguments presented in this essay will advocate my claim.

Issues with young people such as rebelliousness, ill-mannerism and minor felonies may not completely depend on the amount of time, their mothers spend with them. It is pertinent to mention here that the quality of time, rather than the amount of time, spent with children matters in proper parenting. To crown my argument with concrete example, many undeveloped countries such as Pakistan and India face more problems with their children despite the fact that a very small amount of married women are working there. Besides, I have seen very well-cultured and well-mannered children in my school who were brought up by working mothers. Therefore, it cannot be ascertained that working women cannot properly raise their children.

Moreover, there are other inevitable factors that could inculcate bad habits in young people. For instance, the exposure of children to violence through mainstream media, the bad company of friends at school and the domestic violence at home can make children rebellious and unyielding regardless of the amount of time their mothers spend with them. Therefore, it can be dismissed that the amount of time spent away from home by married women is the major stumbling block in fueling juvenile delinquencies and other problems related to children.

In conclusion, I disagree that the rise in problems with children is due to the fact that their mothers are working. Children require quality time for proper upbringing which working women can manage. Besides, there are other unavoidable factors such as exposure of children to violence and bad company of friends, which can impede proper grooming of the children.

Regards
Owais

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Owais,

Introduction - Good apart from the last sentence.
First main paragraph - 'to crown my argument' is weird, but otherwise a good paragraph
Second main paragraph - Good
Conclusion - Fine

Overall, a good essay! Plenty of different structures and easily comprehensible vocab. Well done!
David

[Owais]

Thanks David.

[Flick]

Topic: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over the last two decades, women have gained more empowerment in society. More and more women have stepped foot into professional working environments. Therefore, many people believe that several issues related to young people, such as minor crimes, are due to the fact that their mothers spend most of their time away from home, working. I disagree with the idea that such delinquencies can be controlled if married women spent more time raising their children rather than working. The arguments presented in this essay will advocate my claim.

Issues with young people such as rebelliousness, ill-mannerisms and minor felonies may not completely depend on the amount of time their mothers spend with them. It is pertinent to mention here that the quality of time, rather than the amount of time, spent with children matters in proper parenting. To crown my argument with a concrete example, many undeveloped countries such as Pakistan and India face more problems with their children despite the fact that a very small amount of married women are working there. Besides, I have seen very well-cultured and well-mannered children in my school who were brought up by working mothers. Therefore, it cannot be ascertained that working women cannot properly raise their children.

Moreover, there are other inevitable factors that could inculcate bad habits in young people. For instance, the exposure of children to violence through mainstream media, the bad company of friends at school and domestic violence at home can make children rebellious and unyielding regardless of the amount of time their mothers spend with them. Therefore, it can be dismissed that the amount of time spent away from home by married women is the major stumbling block in fueling juvenile delinquencies and other problems related to children.

In conclusion, I disagree that the rise in problems with children is due to the fact that their mothers are working. Children require quality time for proper upbringing, which working women can manage. Besides, there are other unavoidable factors such as exposure of children to violence and bad company of friends, which can impede proper grooming of the children.

Regards
Owais

Really well written. Great job!

[Owais]

Thank you Flick. I appreciate your help.

Regards
Owais