Please kindly assess my writing task two

[Doni Nacho]

Topic : Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that this is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Essay:
It has become debatable whether mothers should be in charge of children's upbringing or fathers. The multitudes are in favor of those who claim that solely women are supposed to be responsible to take care of their offspring. Albeit, other individuals contradict to this belief and hold the idea that men are as equal as their female counterparts and even they are able to take care of their sons and daughters more attentively than them.
It is generally claimed that it is the duty of womankind to nurture their kids. It is due to the fact that our grandmothers have been accountable to rear children since the prehistoric times, and this tradition has been accepted as tradition worldwide for a long time, therefore every girl grows observing that her mother is the one who brings up her and her siblings and speculates her future believing that she one day will be obliged to the stable upbringing of her sons and daughters and commmences to prepare herself from an early age.
Nevertheless, there are people who support the view that men are the ones who ought to play a pivotal role in child-rearing. It is owing to the reason that fathers are unlikely to be lenient and most children have tendency to follow their recommendations rather than their mothers' as they have greater faith in their dad. If fathers can find some time after work to talk to their children, they may grow decent asset people for the community they are living in.
Furthermore, it characteristics of men to be egalitarian and trustworthy and these qualities can enable fathers to supervise the family more efficiently, although they are considered to be breadwinners of the family. For example, it was my father who asked me how well I was studying at school. I was very proud while reporting about my marks from my lessons. As mothers are prone to be kind they may ignore some of our mistakes, on the contrary, fathers are strict and we are strongly convinced that the repercussions of our failures may lead to the disappointment of our dads.
To recapitulate, contrary to popular belief the author of this essay believes that it is time to give men the chance of rearing children, but this does not mean that they have to sit at home from down to dusk, fathers need to spend some time to communicate and consult their sons and daughters so that they have a stable upbringing.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Doni,
I don't think that you have really answered the question. The first statement is about why women take care of kids more often than men, to which your response is tradition/obligation, without suggesting why this falls on women rather than men.
The second main paragraph doesn't really make sense, mainly because you haven't given your parents' reactions. The suggestion that men are more egalitarian and trustworthy needs support. Personally, I think you might need to rethink your whole philosophy about men and women.
The conclusion suggests that women simply sit at home while looking after kids. Have a chat with your mother about that and see what she says!
Overall, ideas are presented but they have no support. In parts, the essay just reads like a bunch of words with little or no real meaning.
All the best,
David