Please check this essay! Thank you in advance!

[Wayfarer]

Topic: Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. Why do you think it is like that, and do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping?

Have you ever been wondering why so many people walk inside the supermarkets with a wide smile on their faces? The right response is that they regard themselves as not consumers with the necessity to purchase, but as users with the pleasure to obtain. There are two primary factors which turned shopping from being necessary evil to a favorite form of entertainment.
At first let us take a look at people deeming shopping as a concrete way of relaxation. Most notably, they admire it, because during shopping they are completely unwound and careless of the hurdles and challenges they are facing. The only thing they are fond of concentrating at that moment is the features and quality of a product they are about to purchase. However, there are even those who are free from problems, but it does not stop them from relaxing through this unorthodox way. They are merely captivated by the entire process of buying new products.
Another substantial factor is advertisement of various brands which subconsciously enforce an individual to buy a particular item. Take a prominent cloth brand Adidas or Nike or any other brands with similar power of advertising. You as a person who watches TV, reads a newspaper and frequently employs Internet are unconsciously programmed to buy their products one day. Despite of putting commercials on media worldwide, the companies do not restrict themselves of putting labels on the cover of your book, on buses, on subway or even along the streets. Therefore, there is nothing to be astonished when people expend much time on shopping. We are all manipulated by these labels.
As discussion above has shown, the fact that shopping has become a form of recreation for the majority and the impact huge companies have on ordinary people is totally vivid. Nonetheless, in my point of view, shopping does not have to be considered as a negative and harmful activity. Although it may take some time and adverts may compel you to shop unwillingly, it is completely healthy and adequate leisure activity which makes people digress from everyday routine for a while. Thus, do not forget to visit the first supermarket you encounter in your free time.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello again!
Introduction - I'm not sure that shopping has been a necessary evil and the people shopping might just be happy generally.
First main paragraph - This is a little difficult to understand. I don't think we can really criticise people for concentrating on shopping when they are shopping. I mean, can we criticise accountants for concentrating on accounts while they are working? Admire, the only thing they are fond of, merely captivated - all that needs to be changed.
Second main paragraph - I don't think advertising 'enforces' people to buy things. However, advertising clearly influences people.
Conclusion - First, I don't think that your essay has shown that people regard shopping as a leisure activity. Second, the tone of the essay is negative and then - suddenly - you say everything is ok! The conclusion is the place for the summary of your arguments, not the place to introduce a completely new perspective.
All the best,
David

[Wayfarer]

Thank you a lot David !!!! I will definetly make some changes in my writing style.