Writing task 1 (GT) - need feedback and assessment.

[kevinsetiadi]

Hi everyone,

I need someone to evaluate my letter for task 1. Also, please give me a score if you can. Thanks!


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Task:

You are looking for a part-time job. Write a letter to an employment agency. In your letter:
• introduce yourself
• explain what sort of job you would like
• say what experience and skills you have
Begin your letter as follows: Dear Sir / Madam
You should write at least 150 words. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

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Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Kevin Setiadi. I am currently studying Master of Engineering Management at the University of Melbourne, Parkville Campus. I am writing to you to request your help to look for a part-time job or a casual work (approximately 20 hours/week) in Melbourne CBD and inner suburbs.

I'm looking for a job that doesn't involve heavy physical labour like road construction or storage worker. My ideal job would be either a customer service, restaurant worker (that doesn't involve cooking), an Indonesian tutor, a café worker, a house cleaner, or other hospitality jobs. I am open to other jobs as well as long as it doesn't involve strenuous physical activity. I am free most evenings (after 5pm) in the weekdays except Thursday, and I'm willing to work on weekends and night shifts.

My working experience includes:
• A tutor for Chemical Engineering subject at the University of Queensland.
• A Process Engineer at a water treatment company.
• An intern at a flour manufacturing company.
• Self-employed in furniture business.

I don’t have any experience in other fields like hospitality, but I’m willing to learn. I have some knowledge in hardware troubleshooting, general computer problems, audio industry, and smartphone industry.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards

Kevin Setiadi

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[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Kevin,
You'll be pleased to hear that this is a very good letter. I'd avoid the use of bullet points when mentioning your work experience. Apart from that, just a few minor errors (A customer service - no 'a', and chemical engineering tutor).
Best of luck,
David

[kevinsetiadi]

Hi Kevin,
You'll be pleased to hear that this is a very good letter. I'd avoid the use of bullet points when mentioning your work experience. Apart from that, just a few minor errors (A customer service - no 'a', and chemical engineering tutor).
Best of luck,
David

Hi David,

Thank you very much for your feedback. I have several questions:

1. Why should I avoid using bullet points when mentioning work experience? If I'm the reader, I would be grateful because it's easier to follow. Will I lose points if I use bullet points?

2. Is the marking rubric very strict on minor grammatical errors like you mentioned?

3. Do you think this letter can get at least 8?

Once again, thank you very much!

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hi Kevin,

1. Bullet points are generally used on a CV, not on the cover letter. It's a style issue and so only has a big effect if you are in the higher band areas.

2. If you want high score for grammar, the criteria are quite strict, even on minor grammatical mistakes. In your case, this is not a major issue.

3.

Good luck with your test!
David

[kevinsetiadi]

Thanks David! Your feedback is very valuable.

[Cliff.IELTS.Examiner]

I'd just like to add that the use of bullet points in a letter would be considered "inappropriate format". The examiner band descriptors include a mandatory band penalty for inappropriate format.