Can someone review my argument Essay

[shoaibyounis]

Hi All

I have written an argument essay in order to achieve a band of 8 in writing. Can someone please review my work and let me know if my mistakes.

Also let me know if the attachment is not clear so that I can write it on my computer and share again.

Thanks for everyone's support.

Regards
Shoaib

Below is the Essay:

Question: As computers are being used more and more in education, there will be soon no role for teachers in the classroom.

Answer:

In the present 21st century where technology is the most evident source of communication, it is obvious that it has taken majority of the teacher's role in the classroom. It means that soon computers would take the role of teachers or become the only mode of interaction with the students. I do not agree to this as I believe teacher plays a very important role when it comes to being a mentor of students and teaching them discipline.

Teacher plays a very important role when it comes to guiding a student of being his/her mentor with respect to the studies and future. For example, a lot of students choose their career based on the recommendations by their teachers which cannot be done by a computer or technology. Hence, teacher's presence in the classroom will always be required when it comes to such decision making.

Similarly I also have a strong view point that teachers can teach discipline during his/her presence in the class which cannot be done by a computer. For example, student's behavior can change with teacher's presence and they could be more disciplined in the class while computer cannot do this. Thus, a teacher has a major role when it comes to bring discipline in the classroom environment.

It is obvious from the above examples of mentoring the student and class discipline that teacher has a role to play in the classroom which is important. Hence, computer will not be able to replace the teacher in the classroom. I do believe that computers will be used more and more for communication and utilizing the enhanced technology we have in the market and might act as a backbone for future technologies.

[Paul Davey]

In the present 21st century where technology is the most evident source of communication, it is obvious that it has taken majority of the teacher's role in the classroom. It means that soon computers would take the role of teachers or become the only mode of interaction with the students. I do not agree to this as I believe teacher plays a very important role when it comes to being a mentor of students and teaching them discipline.

Here's the introduction:

In the present 21st century where in which computer technology is the most evident source form of communication, it is obvious that it has taken the majority of the teacher's teachers' roles in the classroom. It means that soon computers would will take on the role of teachers the teacher or and become the only mode of interaction with the students. I do not agree to with this as I believe teacher the teacher plays a very important role when it comes to being a mentor of students and teaching them discipline.

[shoaibyounis]

Thanks Paul for your valuable input.