Is this essay good enough for band 8? (Academic)

[Mahdi99]

My first try using Ryan's format.
Please check this essay and suggest a band score. Would be grateful if you suggest improvements.
Thanks in advance.


What are the pros and cons of children watching television?
Children these days are often seen to be heavily occupied with television. Ranging from cartoons to the Discovery channel, a wide variety of programs are targeted towards young viewers. There are certain advantages and disadvantages to children watching television. While on one hand watching television has educational benefits, on the other it comes with the risk of children becoming habituated to spending too much time on it.

Many claim that television programs are a rich way of teaching children many useful things. For example, children who watch television are believed to be more informed and better aware of reality than those who do not. Educational channels often broadcast many interesting documentaries aimed solely for young audiences; these help boost their vocabulary, creativity and knowledge. Therefore, the television is often deemed to be a great learning influence on children, which is a very advantageous prospect.

Turning to the other side of the argument, it is also equally reinforced that children are more prone to getting addicted to watching these shows to the extent that it becomes harmful. An instance of this can be the very common scenario of youngsters spending hour after hour watching their favorite cartoon shows back-to-back, their eyes fixated on the alluring images on the television screen, while the clock ticks away the time allocated for their homework. This poses concerns, and the effects are very negative, because in the long run, it may lead to habits such as procrastination.

All in all, it can be argued that although the television does teach children a wide range of things, it also comes with the risk of excessive time waste. However, this is only a matter of learning the essential time management skills. An excess of anything is harmful, but given adequate time limits, children can learn a huge lot from watching television programs. Since the benefits somewhat outweigh its drawbacks, the television is expected to continue being an influential learning resource for young kids.

[terry3218]

It most probably is.

[Gelever]

A very successful attempt!
The last thing left is to produce something like that on an unknown topic and under examination conditions in 40 mins and without a dictionary... I think this is the most difficult thing after adopting the Ryan's techniques.

[jesus]

Good essay! I thoroughly enjoyed.

[Flick]

My first try using Ryan's format.
Please check this essay and suggest a band score. Would be grateful if you suggest improvements.
Thanks in advance.


What are the pros and cons of children watching television?
Children these days are often seen to be heavily occupied with television. Ranging from cartoons to the Discovery channel, a wide variety of programs are targeted towards young viewers. There are certain advantages and disadvantages to children watching television. On one hand, watching television has educational benefits, while on the other, it comes with the risk of children becoming habituated to spending too much time on it.

Many claim that television programs are a rich way of teaching children many useful things. For example, children who watch television are believed to be more informed and better aware of reality than those who do not. Educational channels often broadcast many interesting documentaries aimed solely at young audiences; these help boost their vocabulary, creativity and knowledge. Therefore, the television is often deemed to be a great learning influence on children, which is a very advantageous prospect.

Turning to the other side of the argument, it is also equally reinforced that children are more prone to becoming addicted to watching these shows to the extent that it becomes harmful. An instance of this can be the very common scenario of youngsters spending hour after hour watching their favorite cartoon shows back-to-back, their eyes fixated on the alluring images on the television screen, while the clock ticks away the time allocated for their homework. This poses concerns, and the effects are very negative, because in the long run, it may lead to habits such as procrastination.

All in all, it can be argued that although the television does teach children a wide range of things, it also comes with the risk of excessive time wasting. However, this is only a matter of learning essential time management skills. An excess of anything is harmful, but given adequate time limits, children can learn a large amount from watching television programs. Since the benefits somewhat outweigh its drawbacks, the television is expected to continue being an influential learning resource for the younger generations.

[Mahdi99]

My first try using Ryan's format.
Please check this essay and suggest a band score. Would be grateful if you suggest improvements.
Thanks in advance.


What are the pros and cons of children watching television?
Children these days are often seen to be heavily occupied with television. Ranging from cartoons to the Discovery channel, a wide variety of programs are targeted towards young viewers. There are certain advantages and disadvantages to children watching television. On one hand, watching television has educational benefits, while on the other, it comes with the risk of children becoming habituated to spending too much time on it.

Many claim that television programs are a rich way of teaching children many useful things. For example, children who watch television are believed to be more informed and better aware of reality than those who do not. Educational channels often broadcast many interesting documentaries aimed solely at young audiences; these help boost their vocabulary, creativity and knowledge. Therefore, the television is often deemed to be a great learning influence on children, which is a very advantageous prospect.

Turning to the other side of the argument, it is also equally reinforced that children are more prone to becoming addicted to watching these shows to the extent that it becomes harmful. An instance of this can be the very common scenario of youngsters spending hour after hour watching their favorite cartoon shows back-to-back, their eyes fixated on the alluring images on the television screen, while the clock ticks away the time allocated for their homework. This poses concerns, and the effects are very negative, because in the long run, it may lead to habits such as procrastination.

All in all, it can be argued that although the television does teach children a wide range of things, it also comes with the risk of excessive time wasting. However, this is only a matter of learning essential time management skills. An excess of anything is harmful, but given adequate time limits, children can learn a large amount from watching television programs. Since the benefits somewhat outweigh its drawbacks, the television is expected to continue being an influential learning resource for the younger generations.

Dear Flick, thank you SO much for identifying my mistakes! I don't have a teacher, so I was really stuck these few days, having to check my essays on my own and not knowing if anything is wrong.
I've been working on changing words like "getting" to more specific words like "becoming". Now I realize that I sound like a native speaker, but I need to sound more academic.
Thank you for pointing out all my other mistakes as well. I really am very grateful