Writing Task 1, Coca Cola

[Lealine]

Hey everybody!
This is my Writing task 1 essay. Any suggestions? Advices? What can I improve?
Thanks in advance, help is much appreciated!
Lea

Topic and chart: http://www.ielts-exam.net/academic_writ ... task_1/59/

The give chart and graph give certain data about the company Coca Cola. The former illustrates the sales of bottles by region in the year 2000, whereas the graph describes the companys market share over the five year period from 1996 until the beginning of the new century.

Of a total amount of 17.1 billion bottles, over fifty percent were sold to american traders (30.4% and 25.7% to North and Latin America respectively). A comparatively small amount was sold to Europe (20.5%) and Asia (16.4%) and only seven percent went to Africa and the Middle East.

The companys share price started fairly low with just over 30 dollars per share in 1996. However, it increased rapidly to almost 70 dollars per share half way through 1997 from where it dropped again to under 60 dollars by the end of the year. Over the next 6 month Coca Colas share price spiked suddenly, reaching a peak of over 80 dollars per share. Ever since the prices fluctuated, following a downward trend since the end of 2000.

Overall, Coca Cola seems to be a very successful company, especially in America and it hopefully increases its share price again.

201 words

[Lealine]

How would you score my essay?

[Mahdi99]

Hi Lea
There is a vocabulary mistake: the first line should say "The given chart and graph" instead of "The give". But I'm assuming this is a typing mistake Else, lexical resources are fine.
Aside from that, there are a few problems in grammar. Apostrophes are not in place in some cases ("Coca Cola's", not "Coca Colas"). I also did not fully understand your last line,
"Overall, Coca Cola seems to be a very successful company, especially in America and it hopefully increases its share price again."
I can't spot the problem here; I think it's either the word "hopefully" that is misplaced, or it is a tense problem. You see, you have to say hopefully for something that's in the future tense. "Increases" is present tense.
As for advice, I don't really know, haha. You can use more linking phrases to improve the flow of your writing. You can also experiment with a variety of sentence structures to show off your grammar handling skills.
So, apostrophes and tense. Review these two concepts.
Overall, your essay was good. You write quite well, actually Keep going, and you'll soon do better!

[Lealine]

Hi Mahadi,
Thanks a lot for your post!
The first line was a typing mistake indeed
This thing with the apostrophes... I am always a bit confused, as I though that Coca Cola's stands for Coca Cola is.
What I try to say in the last line, is that I hope that the company can increase its share price in the future so yeah, I think I should rather write "...and it hopefully will increase its share price again"
How would you score the essay?

[Mahdi99]

Hi again, Lea!
The last line is correct now
"Coca Cola's" can actually mean "Coca Cola is" as well. But the key thing here is the context in which you use it.
"Coca Cola's my favorite drink" - here, it means "Coca Cola is"
"Coca Cola's sales shot up" - here, the apostrophe shows possession.

I actually googled and got a list of all apostrophe related rules for you, here: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/apostro.asp

And given the little grammar mistakes, I'd give you a 7.
But to be honest, I don't know if the mark I gave you is appropriate, because I'm just the same as you, with no clue as to what band my own essays will get. Haha. I guess I'll write an essay a day like Ryan suggests and see where I end up.
I'm sure you can do even better than 7, though
Best,
Mahdi