Please Evaluate my First Essay
Posted: Fri May 15, 2015 4:52 pm
hello, everyone! I am a new member here. I would like to request the experts and other members to please evaluate my first essay and estimate the possible band score if possible. Thank You so much in advance! 
Some parents allow their teenage children to live independently, away from home. Other parents don’t want their teenage children to live away from them. Which do you think is better and why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.
In some families, teenagers are already living separately from their parents and younger siblings to exercise independence. Some parents believe that it is beneficial for their teenage children. Others would not permit their children to move away from home. In my opinion, teenagers should to stay with their parents for a range of reasons.
Firstly, teenagers living far from their homes more likely contribute to the problems in the society. This is mainly because parents could not supervise their children. Thus, they are more vulnerable to pressures from peers who engage in illegal activities such as drug addiction, premarital sex, smoking and alcohol drinking. For instance, female teens that have been living in apartments are often spending time together with their boyfriends since their situation is poorly controlled by their parents. Consequently, these female adolescents are at higher risk of being pregnant at an earlier age which is one of the major social issues that is rapidly rising in the society these days.
Secondly, adolescents who are well-monitored by their parents are safer compared to liberated teenagers. This is due to the fact that children living in establishments like dormitories and apartments are not well-protected from abusive individuals. For instance, some girls with night classes who walked their way back to their dormitories could be trapped by gangsters, rapists and murderers. Moreover, the belongings of teenagers could be stolen by other dorm mates.
In conclusion, although some parents would encourage youngsters to practice living on their own, several negative effects such as social problems and compromising safety could result if parents would allow it. I believe that children at this age should still be under the supervision of their parents.
Some parents allow their teenage children to live independently, away from home. Other parents don’t want their teenage children to live away from them. Which do you think is better and why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.
In some families, teenagers are already living separately from their parents and younger siblings to exercise independence. Some parents believe that it is beneficial for their teenage children. Others would not permit their children to move away from home. In my opinion, teenagers should to stay with their parents for a range of reasons.
Firstly, teenagers living far from their homes more likely contribute to the problems in the society. This is mainly because parents could not supervise their children. Thus, they are more vulnerable to pressures from peers who engage in illegal activities such as drug addiction, premarital sex, smoking and alcohol drinking. For instance, female teens that have been living in apartments are often spending time together with their boyfriends since their situation is poorly controlled by their parents. Consequently, these female adolescents are at higher risk of being pregnant at an earlier age which is one of the major social issues that is rapidly rising in the society these days.
Secondly, adolescents who are well-monitored by their parents are safer compared to liberated teenagers. This is due to the fact that children living in establishments like dormitories and apartments are not well-protected from abusive individuals. For instance, some girls with night classes who walked their way back to their dormitories could be trapped by gangsters, rapists and murderers. Moreover, the belongings of teenagers could be stolen by other dorm mates.
In conclusion, although some parents would encourage youngsters to practice living on their own, several negative effects such as social problems and compromising safety could result if parents would allow it. I believe that children at this age should still be under the supervision of their parents.
