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Please evaluate my essay (targeting 7 band)

Posted: Sun May 03, 2015 7:48 am
by asadurk
The advent of the Internet has made it possible for people to work from home. Write an essay looking at the advantages and disadvantages of this professional arrangement.

One of the miracle of the 20th century is internet, which became more powerful and useful to the end user from the start of the 21st century. It’s very true by its nature that people can connect from internet to each other from anywhere, that’s turn into advantage that people can do their professional work from home, however, it also contains some pitfall too, that will be discuss in this essay.

Firstly, revolution of internet has changed the formal method of communication, marketing and specially job style, now we can see the remote job offered by the many companies on internet from different part of the world, through which employee can benefit for work from home, he saved his travelling time and through the currency change he can earn more than work from the local company.

On the other hand, the uprising of the internet has also drawback like through outsourcing the work from third world country, company can get the work done by paying less money, but in this way it’s homeland people can also suffer for getting job, that might turn down the standard of living in company’s homeland and rich people become more rich on the other hand poor people might become more poorer.

Health specialist look this issue in relatively different way, they think that working from home can bring some health issue. They pointed out that, most of the remote worker do not exercise for fitness and they also believe that office work environment is also good for human psychology, that’s why they think that working from home is not good for human health.

In concluding, we believe that now this practice have some issues, due to lack of knowledge as it’s relatively new practice, as time passes government will bind companies to give balance job opportunities for local bodies and international bodies and when people learn from the research studies they’ll also show positive attitude to maintain their fitness.

Re: Please evaluate my essay (targeting 7 band)

Posted: Sun May 03, 2015 8:59 am
by asadurk
It's improved version of above essay. Please do not consider above essay
Topic:
The advent of the Internet has made it possible for people to work from home. Write an essay looking at the advantages and disadvantages of this professional arrangement.

Essay
One of the miracle of the 20th century is internet, which has become more powerful and useful to the end user from the start of the 21st century. It’s very true by its nature that people can connect from each other with the help of internet, whether are in different part of the world, that’s lead to an advantage that people can do their professional work from home, however, there are also some pitfalls too. Both advantages and disadvantages will be discuss in this essay.

Firstly, revolution of internet has changed the formal method of communication like marketing and specially job style etc. Remote job is one of the beneficiaries of internet in which employee can work for the company by sitting at home, with the help of this job, he can save his travelling time and through the currency change he can earn more than work from the local company.

On the other hand, the uprising of the internet has also drawback like through outsourcing, the work from third world country, company can get the work done by paying less money, but in this way it’s homeland people can suffer for getting job, that might turn down the standard of living in company’s homeland.

Health specialist look this issue in relatively different way, they think that working from home can bring some health issue. They pointed out that, most of the remote worker do not exercise for fitness and they also believe that office work environment is also good for human psychology, that’s why they think that working from home is not good for human health.

In concluding, we believe that now this practice have some issues, due to lack of knowledge as it’s relatively new practice, as time passes government will bind companies to give balance job opportunities for local bodies and international bodies and when people learn from the research studies they’ll also show positive attitude to maintain their fitness.

Re: Please evaluate my essay (targeting 7 band)

Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 1:28 am
by Flick
asadurk wrote: Topic:
The advent of the Internet has made it possible for people to work from home. Write an essay looking at the advantages and disadvantages of this professional arrangement.

Essay
One of the miracles of the 20th century is the Internet, which has become more powerful and useful to the end user from the start of the 21st century. It’s very true by its nature that people can connect from each other with the help of internet, whether are in different part of the world, that’s lead to an advantage that people can do their professional work from home, however, there are also some pitfalls too.(<--Reword to: "With the help of the Internet, people can connect with each no matter where they are in the world. This has made it possible for people to work from home. However, there are some disadvantages to this innovation.") Both advantages and disadvantages will be discussed in this essay.

Firstly, the invention of the Internet has changed the formal methods of communication like marketing and specially job style etc.(<--Do not use 'etc' in an essay. Be specific.) Remote job is one of the beneficiaries of internet in which employee can work for the company by sitting at home, with the help of this job, he can save his travelling time and through the currency change he can earn more than work from the local company.(<--Reword to: "The Internet makes it possible for employees to work from home. This saves the cost of travel, and means people can be employed from all over the world.")

On the other hand, the uprising of the internet has also drawback like through outsourcing, the work from third world country, company can get the work done by paying less money, but in this way it’s homeland people can suffer for getting job, that might turn down the standard of living in company’s homeland.(<--Reword to: "However, the rise of the Internet has led to some negative impacts. For example, by outsourcing work to third world countries, companies can get work done for less money, but it means fewer employment opportunities within the company, which could affect the standard of living in the company's homeland.")

Health specialists look at this issue in a different way. They think that working from home can cause some health issues. They pointed out that most remote workers do not exercise, and they also believe that an office work environment is also good for human psychology. That’s why they think that working from home is not good for human health.

In conclusion, we believe that this practice has some issues. However, there is a lack of knowledge as it’s a relatively new practice. As time passes, the government will bind companies to provide balanced job opportunities for local bodies and international bodies, and when people learn from the research studies they’ll also show positive attitude to maintain their fitness.

Re: Please evaluate my essay (targeting 7 band)

Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 6:31 am
by asadurk
Thanks Fliker, I have rewrite it again. Can you also check it out and give your valuable comments. Can you also tell me what band I'll take with this essay.

The availability of Remote jobs is one of the innovations of the internet. It aids companies and employees to do work, even when they are not physically present before the job provider. Dell and Microsoft which are the leading IT industry companies are one of the beneficiaries of this innovation, which offers remote jobs, although there offices exist physically. Some argue that this is a positive innovation and it’s beneficial for both employee and the company, while other refute this. Both sides of debates will be analyzed in this essay before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

On the one hand, remote jobs considered as a blessing of the internet for the employees and companies. Companies can hire the individual with best talent even if, he/she lives in other country or city. The worth of this benefit can be felt more, when good talent is found from the poor country so that the employer can have a cost-effective solution for the job at hand - While, employees can earn more money with the support of this job and save their travelling time. This is one of the biggest advantages made possible by internet for folks to work from home, in other words; Freelancing.

On the other hand, some disagree the adoption of outsourcing jobs to remotely available service men, as it causes the destruction of the employee’s health. For illustration, Health specialist argue that, nature of the remote negatively effect on the employees’ psychologies and as well as lack of commuting to work and exercise are the main root causes which lower down the scale of the employees’ health. Therefore, it is obvious why many people disagree this stance.

After pondering upon both sides of this argument, it is felt that remote job is the really a blessing of the internet but it need to be revised. That resolved all the negative after-effects of this job and employee should be educated that aids them to maintain their health.

Re: Please evaluate my essay (targeting 7 band)

Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 9:28 pm
by Flick
asadurk wrote:
The availability of remote jobs is one of the innovations of the Internet. It aids companies and employees to do work, even when they are not physically present onsite. Dell and Microsoft, leading IT industry companies, are beneficiaries of this innovation, although their offices exist physically. Some argue that this is a positive innovation and it’s beneficial for both employee and company, while others refute this. Both sides of the debate will be analyzed in this essay before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.

On the one hand, remote jobs are considered a blessing for the employees and companies. Companies can hire the most suitable individual even if they live in another country or city. The worth of this benefit can be felt more, when good talent is found from the poor country so that the employer can have a cost-effective solution for the job at hand(<--Reword to: "This can be cost-effective for the company while giving a talented person in a poor country the opportunity to further their career.") Also, employees can earn more money with the support of this job and save travelling time. This is one of the biggest advantages made possible by the Internet, in other words; freelancing.

On the other hand, some disagree the adoption of outsourcing jobs to remotely available service men, as it causes the destruction of the employee’s health.(<--Reword to: "On the other hand, some people believe that outsourcing jobs to remote workers can negatively impact the employee's health.") For example, health specialists argue that the nature of the remote work negatively impacts on the employees’ psychologies and the lack of commuting to work and exercise are the root causes which affect employees’ health. Therefore, it is obvious why many people disagree with working remotely.

After considering both sides of this argument, it is felt that remote jobs are really a blessing of the Internet but it needs to be revised. That resolved all the negative after-effects of this job and employee should be educated that aids them to maintain their health.(<--I don't understand this sentence.)

Re: Please evaluate my essay (targeting 7 band)

Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 10:44 pm
by lg007
hi, Asadurk,my suggestion in your revised essay would involve english contractions, I think it is safer not to use contractions like "it's for it is , that's for that is", instead write the words in complete format so that it may appear formal for the essay. :)