Can you please read and assess my writing for Task 1? Please

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rimz_adi
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2015 4:03 pm

Can you please read and assess my writing for Task 1? Please

Post by rimz_adi »

Can I get an 8 band for this?

Question: The chart show degrees granted in different fields at the National University in the years 1990, 2000 and 2010.

The pie chart depicts the degrees granted in the various fields of education at the National University in the years 1990, 2000 and 2010.

In the year 1990, 30% of degrees were granted in the field of Computer Science, 25% in Medicine, 30% in Business, and 15% in Law. A gradual rise can be seen in the fields of Computer and Medicine, 40% and 30% respectively, in the year 2000, while a gradual fall in the fields of Business and Law. Then again, the fields of Computer Science and Law has seen a rise by 5%, while the fields of Medicine and Business falls by 5% in the year 2010.

The pie chart shows downward and upward growth over the course of time. The field of Business has seen a major fall by 15%. Although, the fields of Medicine and Law has seen a rise and fall, but retain their positions at 25% and 15% respectively, while the field of Business has had a constant rise through out the period of time.
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Question of Task 1 from practice book
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Rose17
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2015 2:11 pm

Re: Can you please read and assess my writing for Task 1? Pl

Post by Rose17 »

Overall, it's a good writing and you can get the score of 8, if the WT2 will be written with the same quality.
GivenNCap
Posts: 14
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2014 4:19 am

Re: Can you please read and assess my writing for Task 1? Pl

Post by GivenNCap »

I think its not appropriate to use "rise or fall" in a pie graph (used for line graph or graphs that shows trends), although you used "increased or decreased" which is okay. Use a wide range of vocabulary. You can convert 30% to one-third, 25% to one-fourth and so on.
Diversify your word choices to create sentences that explains the information in the chart. For intance, "In 1990, one-third of National University students were taking up Business course. Similar number of students took Computer Science course on the same year."

Also have a good introduction, body and conclusion. Introductory praragraph must be paraphrased version of the topic question. Do not copy the words, try to use synonyms to explain or introduce your report.
In this way, the rater will lnow that you understood the task question. The body must contain most of the general and important information. Compare and contrast them in simplest way possible.
The conclusion must have your overall idea about the graph, emphasizing the most important datas.

Mind your tenses (past tense on this topic), capitalize names, etc...

This is band 4.0. In my humble opinion.
rimz_adi
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2015 4:03 pm

Re: Can you please read and assess my writing for Task 1? Pl

Post by rimz_adi »

Thank you Rose, Mr. GivenNCap
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Flick
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Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2014 10:06 pm

Re: Can you please read and assess my writing for Task 1? Pl

Post by Flick »

rimz_adi wrote:Can I get an 8 band for this?

Question: The chart show degrees granted in different fields at the National University in the years 1990, 2000 and 2010.

The pie chart depicts the degrees granted in the various fields of education at the National University in the years 1990, 2000 and 2010.

In the year 1990, 30% of degrees were granted in the field of Computer Science, 25% in Medicine, 30% in Business, and 15% in Law. A gradual rise can be seen in the fields of Computer and Medicine, 40% and 30% respectively, in the year 2000, while a gradual fall in the fields of Business and Law. Then again, the fields of Computer Science and Law has seen a rise by 5%, while the fields of Medicine and Business falls by 5% in the year 2010. (<--Reword to: "By 2000, the Computer Science and Medicine fields had increased to 40% and 30% respectively, while Business and Law had fallen to 20% and 10% respectively. This trend continued in Computer Science and Business in 2010, with 45% and 15% of degrees awarded, while Medicine dropped slightly to 25% and Law increased to 15%.")

The pie chart shows downward and upward growth over the course of time. The field of Business has seen a major fall by 15%. Although, the fields of Medicine and Law has seen a rise and fall, they retain their positions at 25% and 15% respectively, while the field of Business has had a constant decrease throughout the period of the study.
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