Liz,flick or anyone please rate my essay

[ieltsband8]

Some people believe that bicycles are the best mode of transport in the cities, while others disagree.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both views and give your opinion.

People have different views about using bicycles to commute in cities. Although there are some drawbacks to travel by a bicycle in a city, yet I believe travelling by bicycles is a better option .

There are two good grounds to argue that commuting by cycles is highly beneficial for city dwellers. Firstly, it is becoming increasingly impossible for people to travel in cities, particularly during peak hours. Encouraging people to use bicycles would definitely help to overcome these traffic jams. Secondly, this would also benefit lowering air pollution in city centers, which is one of the major causes for prevalence of health issues in mega cities. The one real drawback of bicycling is that, it is difficult to move or carry large objects when travelling, however, this is a minor issue.

Equally, there are also sound reasons to travel by motor vehicles. The most significant benefit of travelling by cars is that, it makes travelling convenient, especially when covering long distances. For example, a person may reach his destination without draining out his energy in comparison to riding a bicycle. Another way how vehicles are beneficial is that, they allow many people to travel together, especially small family cars which allows whole family to enjoy travelling. However, there are two principle disadvantages for travelling by motor vehicles. One is, cars are expensive to buy and maintain and other drawback of bringing cars on the road is that, this may increase the probability of road accidents which are sometimes life threatening and this is, however, a serious concern.

In conclusion, I tend towards the viewpoint that, using bicycles have some minor issues, but it would be highly favorable for citizens to use these two wheelers for travelling in urban areas.


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i am not sure what band score i will get for this but if someone could help me to improve this essay to make it of band level 8 i would truly appreciate it .

thanks

[Elizabeth]

Hi,

My first point is that to get an accurate estimated band score, you need to use authentic essay titles from IELTS. Which means you must take them from the IELTS Cambridge books 1-9. This essay title has been written incorrectly. If you are asked to give advantages and disadvantages of two different sides, they would give you the two opposing sides written in full. This title does not provide that. I strongly urge you to post another essay with an authentic title so I can give you correct band score feedback. If you are aiming for band score 8, it would be sensible to do that.

However, here are some comments for this essay:

Task response - you have addressed the task and provided relevant main points. Each advantage or disadvantage is not developed sufficiently but that is because of the title of the essay and the poor wording of the task given to you. Send me a real IELTS essay task and I'll give you an estimate on task response band score.

Coherence and Cohesion. You have organised your essay into logical paragraphs which would get you band score 7 and above. The problem lies in your linking devices. Start your opposing body paragraph with "On the other hand" instead of "equally". This is a contrasting paragraph. You have repeated the linker "however" three times - don't repeat linkers. To get band score 8, you must show a very flexible range of linking devices. "Another way how vehicles are beneficial...", you should write "Another reason why vehicles are beneficial.." or "A further gain to be had from using vehicles..". Another mistake is "One is, cars are expensive to buy and maintain and other drawback of bringing cars on the road ..." You need to write "One issue is that cars are expensive to buy and maintain and another problem of cars on the road is ..."

Unfortunately, again because of the essay title this essay just contains a full list of ideas rather than detailed explanations of each advantage and disadvantage. For that reason, your have a minimal range of linking devices shown in this essay. However, I can see that if you improve your linking and offer a better range then you are in line to get band score 8 in this criteria.

Vocabulary. Obviously, you have some good vocabulary but you don't offer an extensive range to get band score 8. This is an advantage / disadvantage essay - you must show flexible paraphrasing of those two words. Advantage - benefit / gain / beneficial / positive aspect / positive point. Disadvantage - drawback / problem / difficulty / obstacle / issue / negative point / disadvantageous / problematic etc

The lack of range in vocab could be again because you are listing advantages and disadvantages rather than going into each one deeply.

Think about the word convenient. Is it convenient because it is cost effective, time effective with regards to energy used or distance covered. Think more about your wording - this will come from proper planning before writing your essay.

Grammar. You have some very good complex sentence structures. You also have few errors. In fact most sentences are error free. This could get you either band score 7.5 or 8. Here is one mistake to avoid:
"The most significant benefit of travelling by cars is that..." In this sentence, cars should be singular = car.

Overall, you have the ability to get either 7 or 8. However, you would need to submit a real IELTS essay title from Cambridge. Please be careful using essay titles from other IELTS websites or from people who have just taken the test - while the topic will be correct the wording of the essay will not be.
All the best
Liz

[ieltsband8]

Thank you very much for your detail feedback. I really appreciate every second you spent on analyzing my essay. Undoubtedly, you are the best teacher and your website has really helped me to improve.
Following your advice, i have written a new essay from Cambridge book 8. Please have a look, when you have time, below is the link for my new essay.

http://www.ieltsnetwork.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=3723

thanks again,