Please review my essay Academic writing task 2 Facebook

[salem2210]

Some people think that the use of social media (Facebook) has a negative impact rather than a positive one. Do you agree or disagree, why?

The way we communicate has drastically changed over the years and keeps improving gradually in a very fast pace. One of the ways we have to communicate is trough social media. Facebook is a website created somewhat recently and its sole purpose is for people to communicate with friends, family members, acquaintances and even complete strangers, through pictures and written posts. Even though I do acknowledge the positive effects of social media, I have to admit that the negative impact widely outweighs the positive effects. I feel this way for two reasons. First and foremost, there is an abundance of over-shared information which relinquishes the right to privacy. Second, physical and audible interactions are becoming extinct, since there is no longer the need to meet face to face or talk over the phone in order to have a conversation. For these reasons, which I will explore below, I feel that social media had a greater negative impact than a positive one.

For starters, people are no longer zealous when it comes to protecting their privacy. There is a massive problem of over-sharing daily life details on the internet, specifically through Facebook. This is a very dangerous situation because people are exposing themselves, their friends and family members to potential predators. For example, if a person is going on a trip for a week and posts on their Facebook page that they will actually not be home during that period of time, burglars could take advantage of that information and might rob and vandalize that person’s home. Some people post pictures of everything they are doing during the day. This can also be negative because these pictures can be misinterpreted or used against their owner at any time. In my case, I had an employee that took a sick day because he had a fever. However, he updated his Facebook status saying that he was enjoying a day at the beach. Needless to say he was reprimanded for his actions.

Secondly, thanks to social media and Facebook, friendships are morphing into a different breed. In my times, friendships were nurtured by physical presence, such as meeting for coffee, going to the movies, having dinner, talking for hours over the phone, etc. Nowadays, friendships are carried online and communication has been reduced to “a poke”, “a smiley face” or “a like”. Even when it comes to cellphone use, texting is far more popular than actually calling someone or even leaving a voice-mail when the call is not answered. Personally, I prefer to call a friend and say what I have to say oppose to texting the entire message, which takes more time and requires full attention. However some people seem to think that there is nothing wrong with texting while walking or driving which is massively wrong. It is actually an extremely dangerous thing to do.

To summarize, I strongly believe that social media has more of a negative impact rather than a positive one. This is because there is a lack of privacy regarding shared information and face to face interaction is steadily disappearing.

[salem2210]

No reviews?

[IELTS Liz]

Hi,

I'm going to give you some simple feedback so you can make immediate corrections to your essay.

1. It's too long. This essay is over 500 words and you should be aiming for between 260 and 300. You do not get more points for a longer essay.

2. The main problem is the introduction. Please follow this link to watch a lesson on how to write an introduction for an IELTS essay. This lesson will show you how to write a background statement and a thesis statement for IELTS. http://www.ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-t ... roduction/ You have written over 150 words for your introduction instead of about 50. Below is the introduction you should have written - I have used your own language to show you how to adapt your essay:

The way we communicate has drastically changed over the years and one of the ways we are able to communicate is through social media. In my opinion, even though I do acknowledge the positive effects of social media, I have to admit that the negative impact widely outweighs the positive effects due to the lack of privacy and face-to-face communication.

3. Linkers - you must use academic linkers. "For starters" is not appropriate for an academic essay for IELTS. Just stick with Firstly / Another point to consider / In conclusion.

4. Don't use examples from your own life. You must use examples in an academic style: "I prefer to call a friend and say what I have to say oppose to texting the entire message, which takes more time and requires full attention" = "Most young people today prefer to phone people directly rather than send text messages as it is more time effective, particularly when they may have other demands on their attention."

Overall feedback
Your level of English both grammar and vocabulary is very good indeed and should get band score 7.5 or 8. However, this essay would not get that band score at all. You must understand the requirements of IELTS and work within them to get the results that reflect your English.

Here's a link to my IELTS blog with video lessons, tips and other advice for you http://www.ieltsliz.com or find me on facebook.
Liz

[salem2210]

THANKS!

[ieltsband8]

excellent lesson liz thanks a lot.