Please help to check my essay about mobile phones

[roderick]

Hi friends,

I am taking the ielts general training the 18th of October and I am wishing to achive a 7, however still i feel far from my goal.
Could you please review my essay. Looking forward for your feedback.

Mobile phones in our professional and personal lives, what is the most common use? Do you agree with one?

The growth of mobile phones usage has been huge. Nowadays most of people own one for personal use. Moreover it has become an essential device for many people. I strongly support the use of mobile phones in both aspects professional and personal, mainly because of the improvement in communications and the added value services that changed people’s life.

Firstly, it is said that mobile phones have improved the exchange of information between humans. For example, when I finished school I moved to live in Valparaiso city which is located around seven hours from my parents’ house. Even though I was not able to travel very often to see my parents I was able to communicate with them via mobile phone. Furthermore I was open to receive a call from them at any moment in case they were worried about me. Thus this is one reason I agree with the use of mobile phones.

Secondly, It is a fact that many applications that support people’s life come along newer mobile phones. For instance, the new mobile phones called smartphones bring built in GPS which is useful to acquire the coordinates of a certain place. Then it could be used by employers to track the position of an employee for example. Beside currently many companies employ a significant amount of individuals to develop new mobile applications. Thus it is expected new and more usages of these devices. As a result there it is another reason mobile phones use is agreed.

In conclusion, mobile phones have improved the communication between humans and many applications appeared besides there is a potential of growing in the future. Thus it is totally agreed the usage of mobile phones in professional and personal area. It is hoped the use of mobile phones continue rising steadily as the prices decrease.

[Johnson zhang]

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I don't think your answer is concise; a bit overly wordy.

Also, you made several silly mistakes, like most of people > most people

More, don't try to squeeze too much into one sentence, it becomes clogged.

for example;
I strongly support the use of mobile phones in both aspects professional and personal, mainly because of the improvement in communications and the added value services that changed people’s life.
>
I strongly encourage the use of mobile phones in both professional ways and personal. To support this opinion, this essay will present two arguments; improved mobile communication and additional and useful phone-functions may have been re-routing some people's way of life.

lastly, your biggest problem with this essay is that you didn't answer the question ( a mistake we all make).
Read the question carefully. What is the most common use? Do you agree? (NOT do you support and why)


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[roderick]

Hi Johnson,

You are totally right, many thanks for your feedback.

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I don't think your answer is concise; a bit overly wordy.

Also, you made several silly mistakes, like most of people > most people

More, don't try to squeeze too much into one sentence, it becomes clogged.

for example;
I strongly support the use of mobile phones in both aspects professional and personal, mainly because of the improvement in communications and the added value services that changed people’s life.
>
I strongly encourage the use of mobile phones in both professional ways and personal. The improvement in communication via phones and some essential extra values phones have brought are my arguments.

lastly, your biggest problem with this essay is that you didn't answer the question ( a mistake we all make).
Read the question carefully. What is the most common use? Do you agree? (NOT do you support and why)


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