IELTS Academic Writing Task 2 - Please access my essay!!

[hwabatte]

Topic: Should people be allowed to have cosmetic surgery before the age of 18?

With the application of science and technology in medicine, people, especially youngsters, are becoming more aware of cosmetic surgery. According to a recent survey, nearly half of teenagers from 11 to 18 years old said they wanted surgery in pursuit of a "designer" body like their idols and celebrities. However, having cosmetic surgery before turning eighteen is still illegal in most countries. There are pros and cons in doing this.

There are two main reasons why youngsters want to go through cosmetic surgery. Firstly, the surgery will theoretically make them more beautiful. Usually, a teen wishes to use the surgery to correct poorly proportioned parts of their body including a mis-shapen nose, protruding ears, overly large breasts, asymmetrical breasts, or severe acne and scarring. After their physical characteristics have been corrected, they should look prettier and more attractive. Secondly, having cosmetic surgery is a way to gain self-esteem. Because their physical problems have been solved, they no longer feel awkward about their appearances. Therefore, they frequently gain more confidence in themselves. For example, Caitlin Clemons, an American teenager, who used to have low self-esteem because of her body, was reported to gain confidence after her breast augmentation surgery.

On the other hand, having cosmetic surgery before 18 also has some drawbacks. Firstly, it increases the risk of being affected by side effects from these surgeries. Because teenagers' bodies have not yet matured to their final shape, going under the knife for plastic surgery could cause some dangers. For instance, when going under cosmetic surgery, there is a chance that you could have a reaction against anesthesia used in the operations, which can be deadly. Furthermore, cosmetic surgery is likely to make patients get scars, which cannot be corrected. Secondly, allowing teenagers to go through plastic surgery may make them overestimate physical appearances over inner characteristics. Gradually, they may not treasure their personalities but try as hard as possible to enhance their looks.

In conclusion, having cosmetic surgery before turning eighteen has both advantages and disadvantages. It could help you become more beautiful, but at the same time, make you become a surgery disaster, if the surgery does not succeed. As a teenager, trying to enhance our body is necessary, but we should also try to improve our personality.

P.S: If possible, please score my essay based on IELTS Writing Task 2 Bandscore. Thank you.

[devaraj]

It could help you become more beautiful, but at the same time, make you become a surgery disaster, if the surgery does not succeed. As a teenager, trying to enhance our body is necessary, but we should also try to improve our personality. --> Avoid you and our, we -->question is about people under 18 not you and me or any adults it is about teenagers.



It could help people under 18 become more beautiful, but at the same time, if surgery not success then it will become a surgery disaster. As teenagers, trying to enhance their body is necessary, but they should also try to improve their personality.

last para should be touching and convincing but here you tried but still more improvement needed.

overall good attempt --> I think it look 6band essay--> still improvement needed. All the best.

[saqibali]

good vocabulary.
But wrong usage of commas