Academic writing Task 2 review

[DiyaS]

Hello All,

I am a newbie to the forum and I have my IELTS in a month. My first attempt to the writing task 2 here. I would appreciate your comments.

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In an economy driven my consumers, it is natural to be tempted by material possessions. Owning a mansion and driving a Lamborghini to work every day will definitely make me popular. However when it comes to building a fulfilling life for myself, I think I need much more than a giant house and a fancy car. In my opinion a person’s worth is decided by the quality of his/her relationships which are built on the foundations of sound values.
More often than not success is truly enjoyed when you are surrounded by people who rejoice in your happiness. Happiness truly multiplies when shared. Building healthy and ever-lasting relationships takes values such as honor, kindness and trust, which are nowadays termed ‘old fashioned’. You cannot sell some shares at Wall Street and buy some friends. You have to invest time in people. Be there for them in their good and bad times, share their joys and sorrows. What kind of a person you really are underneath, will decide how well you build your relationships. We often see the lives of rich and famous being documented by the paparazzi. Their lives are depicted as though they are epitomes of success. However only a few years later they have a string of divorces and land up in rehabilitation centers battling alcohol and drug addictions. That is when we realize that they had got their priorities wrong all along.
There is no doubt that material possessions and a enviable social status make life comfortable. But that cannot come at the cost of your personal life. Having integrity, trust and a kind heart will take you a long way in leading a holistic life. Success will just be a by-product of your own traits.

[argho1985]

Hello All,

I am a newbie to the forum and I have my IELTS in a month. My first attempt to the writing task 2 here. I would appreciate your comments.

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In an economy driven my consumers (consumer driven economy), it is natural to be tempted by the material possessions. Owning a mansion and driving a Lamborghini to work every day will definitely make me popular . However when it comes to building a fulfilling life for myself, I think I need much more than a giant house and a fancy car. In my opinion a person’s worth is decided by the quality of his/her relationships which are built on the foundations of sound values.
More often than not success is truly enjoyed when you are surrounded by people who rejoice in your happiness. Happiness truly multiplies when shared. Building healthy and ever-lasting relationships takes values such as honor, kindness and trust, which are nowadays termed ‘old fashioned’. You cannot sell some shares at Wall Street and buy some friends. You have to invest time in people. Be there for them in their good and bad times, share their joys and sorrows. What kind of a person you really are underneath, will decide how well you build your relationships. We often see the lives of rich and famous being documented by the paparazzi. Their lives are depicted as though they are epitomes of success. However only a few years later they have a string of divorces and land up in rehabilitation centers battling alcohol and drug addictions. That is when we realize that they had got their priorities wrong all along.
There is no doubt that material possessions and a enviable social status make life comfortable. But that cannot come at the cost of your personal life. Having integrity, trust and a kind heart will take you a long way in leading a holistic life. Success will just be a by-product of your own traits.

Hi,

Although vocabulary is very good in your essay, However, you need to follow a structure.. You attempt at first writing the intro for the essay but giving statements in between the intro will make the essay full confusing..

Another thing, if you agree to that topic.. try to form two paragraphs evaluating it positive and negative so that you can end up in a sound conclusion. Moreover, linking words which you have used mostly are not present in logically but examples are not there.. you followed your way of giving statements in between the line such as "You cannot sell some shares at Wall Street and buy some friends"..

Hope you understand what i said..

Cheers
Argho

[DiyaS]

@argho1985 : Thanks for your response. I got the gist of what you want to say.

[Flick]

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In an economy driven by consumerism, it is natural to be tempted by material possessions. Owning a mansion and driving a Lamborghini to work every day will definitely make me popular. However when it comes to building a fulfilling life for myself, I think I need much more than a giant house and a fancy car. In my opinion a person’s worth is decided by the quality of his/her relationships which are built on the foundation of sound values.

More often than not, success is truly enjoyed when you are surrounded by people who rejoice in your happiness. Happiness truly multiplies when shared. Building healthy and ever-lasting relationships takes values such as honor, kindness and trust, which are nowadays termed ‘old fashioned’. You cannot sell some shares on Wall Street and buy some friends. You have to invest time in people. Be there for them in their good and bad times, share their joys and sorrows. What kind of a person you really are underneath, will decide how well you build your relationships. We often see the lives of the rich and famous being documented by the paparazzi. Their lives are depicted as though they are epitomes of success. However only a few years later they have a string of divorces and end up in rehabilitation centers battling alcohol and drug addictions. That is when we realize that they had their priorities wrong all along.

There is no doubt that material possessions and an enviable social status make life comfortable. But that cannot come at the cost of your personal life. Having integrity, trust and a kind heart will take you a long way in leading a holistic life. Success will just be a by-product of your own traits.

[saqibali]

I supposed, its an older post.
Do you still need to correct this essay?