Please Mark my essay I taking IELT test 2nd time due to Bad

[dalsingh]

Hi Everyone,

I am Daljit and I have scored 5.5 on 7th May Exam in my writing i am not getting the reason why I am not getting perfect in my writing as got 7 in my speaking.
Now i am practicing and going to appear for exam on 19th.

Here is the sample Task 2 Please mark me and assign me approx band.

Capital punishment has become the benchmark against the criminal activities promoted by destructive minds of mankind. Rigid laws control the rate of crime committed by commoners of society in many countries. There for death sentence has become the huge threat to this curse.

In the present scenario, few groups of people having similar sort of brutal mind disturbing the peace and comfort of the rest of the population. Human being is in the race of power from the ancient items, where people used to fight for land and gold, now it has been changed to name and fame in respect of economical growth. Capital punishment pressured the people to stay out of such criminal activities. The Emirates have proven the meaning of death sentence to their people,and succeeded in lowering the violence rate through out their nation.

In addition to the benefits of capital punishment, image of the government towards the nation reflects the management as well as the planning against the curse. this law actually reliefs the public of particular country and secure from serious crimes. Such law also helps countries to think productive in the rest of the fields and put their efforts to make nation secure and peaceful. Countries like india where government has weak laws and people hardly feel a threat while committing major criminal activities. Thus such Asian countries have higher number of criminal cases.

In a crux, this modern era needs capital punishment as this will leads towards the peaceful and secure life of people. And all countries should implement this death sentence to their law for better world against such culprits.

Please Suggest my good things as well as area to improve, as i have few days for my second attempt I need 6.5 Bands and Just need help to score.

[Johnson zhang]

hi mate, not bad work

i find this essay has one big weak area that is the fluency of it. a lot of your ideas seem all disconnected in attempt to be connected. Your choice of words are over the top. in fact, i feel like your ideas are too extreme the taste of Ielts. in other words, examiners don't care....what you really think, they care about if you can deliver your thoughts in written words. from this essay, i didn't see it.

for example,

In addition to the benefits of capital punishment, image of the government towards the nation reflects the management as well as the planning against the curse

the images of government towards the nation ??
the management ?
the curse?

remember when you start a new paragraph , you always indicate terms clearly. also, try to explain terms as much as possible

lastly, at least post the question for us