Could you please correct my Ielts writing task 2
Posted: Fri May 30, 2014 2:07 pm
Hi Shourien,
Could you please correct my Ielts writing task 2 that I attached bellow.
I'm learning by myself and I usually don't have any feedback on my writing so that I don't know my mistakes at all.
I really appreciate it if you could do it for me.
Thank a thousand times!!
Here is my essay:
Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society. However, there is still no agreement about what a perfect society would be like. What, in your opinion, would be the most important element of a perfect society? What can people do to help create an ideal society?
Human beings have been raised a hope about an ideal society since the early age of human civilization. In my opinion, the initially mandatory factor of this perfect society should be safety, and governments as well as individuals have to work really hard if they want to make that dream comes true.
It seems to me that a perfect society must certainly be a safe place, where people can comfortably live without any possible worry or concern. In other words, it is a place where crime does not exist, people are able to leave their homes and even unnecessarily lock their doors or activate any security devices. In addition, in term of state institutions such as governments or police forces, all the citizens must have a belief in their integrity and confidence that we are all protected by fair laws. There is no doubt that safety is the most crucial factor and a top priority to successfully create an ideal world.
There are numerous things need to improve in order to build a new world with life satisfaction. Firstly, governments and leaders must be hold to account so that they will have full responsibilities for individuals and the population’s problems as a whole. Secondly, every and each individual have a duty to support each other and always get involved in their community. Doing so, we should be able to live in a world full of affection, compassion, and accountability. Finally, the environment should be treated as important as humans by using clean, eco-friendly energy sources, adequate water sanitation, and proper waste disposal process so that we can construct a more sustainable future for our children.
In conclusion, I believe that a perfect society cannot exist without the sense of safety of the people who live in and there are large amount of work and effort needed to execute to reach that world.
(312 words)
Could you please correct my Ielts writing task 2 that I attached bellow.
I'm learning by myself and I usually don't have any feedback on my writing so that I don't know my mistakes at all.
I really appreciate it if you could do it for me.
Thank a thousand times!!
Here is my essay:
Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society. However, there is still no agreement about what a perfect society would be like. What, in your opinion, would be the most important element of a perfect society? What can people do to help create an ideal society?
Human beings have been raised a hope about an ideal society since the early age of human civilization. In my opinion, the initially mandatory factor of this perfect society should be safety, and governments as well as individuals have to work really hard if they want to make that dream comes true.
It seems to me that a perfect society must certainly be a safe place, where people can comfortably live without any possible worry or concern. In other words, it is a place where crime does not exist, people are able to leave their homes and even unnecessarily lock their doors or activate any security devices. In addition, in term of state institutions such as governments or police forces, all the citizens must have a belief in their integrity and confidence that we are all protected by fair laws. There is no doubt that safety is the most crucial factor and a top priority to successfully create an ideal world.
There are numerous things need to improve in order to build a new world with life satisfaction. Firstly, governments and leaders must be hold to account so that they will have full responsibilities for individuals and the population’s problems as a whole. Secondly, every and each individual have a duty to support each other and always get involved in their community. Doing so, we should be able to live in a world full of affection, compassion, and accountability. Finally, the environment should be treated as important as humans by using clean, eco-friendly energy sources, adequate water sanitation, and proper waste disposal process so that we can construct a more sustainable future for our children.
In conclusion, I believe that a perfect society cannot exist without the sense of safety of the people who live in and there are large amount of work and effort needed to execute to reach that world.
(312 words)