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Many of the medical problems that people are experiencing in today's world are due to the fact that we have a very sedentary lifestyle.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Answer

Today, many people have a heavy reliance on computers and technological gadgets. As a result, their lifestyles tend to be excessively inactive which has been argued to be a culprit to numerous health problems. I agree that some medical issues can be linked to sedentary lifestyles. However, the link is not unbreakable.

Firstly, a poor commitment in fitness is likely to cause some well known health issues. People who commit poorly in fitness are often having a sedentary lifestyle that is filled with office work, TV time, playing games and Internet surfing. It would not be a surprise that they start to gain weight and add more pressure on their health systems by increasing the stress on the heart and other organs. Hence, a sedentary lifestyle is increasing the chances of several medical issues.

Nevertheless, it is possible to stay fit in a modern life that seemingly forces us to be stationary. In Sydney, commuters are increasingly adopt new ways of travelling such as cycling, jogging or running. Their efforts are helping them to boost the energy level throughout the day and incrementally tune their health systems. This example shows that although sedentary lifestyles are hindering the motivation of a workout for many people, the barrier is not holding back those who can commit into their fitness goals. It is unanimously agreed that staying fit is a key to stay healthy. Thus, sedentary lifestyles are not a permanent ground to breed health issues as how it has been argued.


In summary, people who are overly busy with sedentary types of jobs and unwilling to get involved in physical activities will most likely to face the various consequences on their health systems.

Revised

Our technology advancement such as 'the' no need advent of iPad has transformed people’s life add more information( completely over the last 10 years|0. As a result, high number of people tend to be inactive for 'the' removemost part of the day. This change has raised concerns for the new generation what yountrying to say form this sentence, I feel coherence has missed with this sentence). It is agreed that health problems can be caused or enlarged, remove this, one will do by a sedentary life style. "Two examples" or "Two cases" , will be dissected to support the opinion.

Firstly, a sedentary lifestyle can easily foil opportunities for physical activities with this sentence, you gave dictionary meaning for sedentary life style). A person, for example, who spends all day in front of a desk and TV, is almost set to gain some weight. It is obvious how this kind of life is leading to an epidemic of overweight adults which is at a disturbing level in numerous developed nations. Thus, it is convincing to state that an inactive lifestyle correlates to the weight gain which subsequently provokes other health threats.

In addition, the alarming increase in the number of pupils wearing glasses is a direct side effect of a long and controlled school time. In Asia, schools commonly on the surface what do you mean by surface ask students to voluntarily you said voluntary, so its our choice now, so now you need to show why school goers prefer to attend extra classes attend extra study sessions but in fact command them to be trapped and exhausted in added hours. Consequently, a massive number of pupils now suffer from a short-sighted vision this could happen even when person stand and watch which can bar them from participating certain fields in the future and cause an inconvenience in life. It is clear in this case that an unethical push on teenage’s education, specifically long hours of siting in a classroom, sabotages students’ will to maintain a good eye sight. unclear, I didn't understand most of your sentences in this paragraph

In conclusion, while any lifestyle is a personal choice, a poor choice contains the consequence of various health threats such as obesity and damaged eye sight. It is recommended that a balanced lifestyle with an appropriate amount of sport may not be only sport, 'physical exercise' would suit here time would serve a better purpose in life.



well, I would say this essay would not score band 7.

many errors pertaining to grammar and word choice and poor sentence structure impede communication.

Task achievement is only 50%.

Overall looks band 5 .5 to 6 ( I am not an assessor)

thank you

hi jhonson,
you have done a good job in my view. I think even if we get 7 for our task 2, errors in task one may affect the entire score. i don't know, but i think like that.
all the best jhonson.

This is not a writing band 7.
It could be 6!

Read more samples and try to get expressions from them, memorize them and use them in your own writing. Just google sample writing band 7 or 8 and you can find a lot of them.

A better and more interesting introduction is needed.
Vocabulary choice is not appropriate in most cases, so broaden your knowledge of words.

Nevertheless, I'm not an examiner. I have, however, a good sense of writing band 7 and here is my previous results:
(26-10-2013) L-7.5,R-7,W-7,S-6.5 ; Overall-7.0
(07-12-2013) L-8,R-8,W-6.5,S-7 ; Overall-7.5
(05-04-2014) L-6.5,R-7,W-7,S-7.5; Overall-7.0
(26-04-2014) L-6.5,R-8,W-7.5,S-7 Overall-7.5

Johnson zhang wrote:involved

what do u mean . Please use evolved

Johnson zhang wrote:modern transportation

- modern ways of transportation.

Johnson zhang wrote:Some of those changes

- some of these changes

Johnson zhang wrote: stationary time

Johnson zhang wrote:Their incremental efforts to adapt the shift towards to a modern life are believed to have surmounted its difficulties of staying active.

Please make this simple