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check and give me band score. Please :)

Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2014 4:59 pm
by Thảo Trần
Happiness is considered very important in life. Why it is hard to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?
It seems like everyone in the world wants to be happy. But each person has their definition of happy so that it makes happiness hard to define. Personally, I think happiness is created by wealth, health and attitude.
It is said that to define happiness is very difficult may due to different definition of happiness belong to each person. For instance, the poor would think that they would be happy if they were richer. Meanwhile, the rich would believe that unless they were rich, others will treat them honestly and they’ll be happy with that. For those reason, there are many important factors lead to happiness.
In my opinion, wealth, health and attitude are three main factors lead to happiness. Money can’t buy happiness but it would continue happiness. In the same way, health is important in enduring happiness. For instance, a family hardly can feel happy if they had nothing to eat or nowhere to live and a rich man can’t be happy if he wasn’t healthy enough to enjoy his life. On the other hand, each person’s attitude is important as well. Happiness can’t achieve itself. It’s necessary for a person to be brave enough to get their happiness. From my perspective, attitude is the most important factor. Usually, optimistic people are often happier than pessimistic people. Such as, in a poor family, pessimistic people may think that they are unhappy because they have nothing. In contrast, optimistic people might hold the view that they’re lucky because their family was healthy or because they still have a place to live and they happy with that.
In conclusion, it seems like happiness is the thing which everyone wants to get. Everyone have their own way to define happiness that makes it difficult to define. Eventually, I think that wealth, health and attitude are three main factors in getting happiness.

Re: check and give me band score. Please :)

Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2014 2:14 am
by IndianHarry
Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it hard to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?

It seems like everyone in the world wants to be happy. But each person has their definition of being happy/happiness which makes happiness hard to define. Personally, I think happiness is created by ( or, comes from) wealth, health and attitude.

It is said that happiness is very difficult to define perhaps due to different definitions of happiness that different people have. For instance, the poor would think that they would be happy if they were richer. Meanwhile, the rich would believe that if they were rich, others will treat them honestly and they’ll be happy with that. For these] reasons[/color, there are many important factors leading to happiness.

In my opinion, wealth, health and attitude are three main factors that lead to happiness. Money can’t buy happiness but it can maintain happiness. In the same way, health is important in sustaining happiness. For instance, a family can hardly feel happy if they had nothing to eat or nowhere to live and a rich man can’t be happy if he wasn't healthy enough to enjoy his life. On the other hand, each person’s attitude is important as well. Happiness can’t achieve itself( Happiness does not come on its own). It’s necessary for a person to be brave enough to get their happiness. From my perspective, attitude is the most important factor. Usually, optimistic people are often (usually and often are too similar - so use just one of the two) happier than pessimistic people. For exapmple, in a poor family, pessimistic people may think that they are unhappy because they have nothing. In contrast, optimistic people might hold the view that they’re lucky because their family was healthy or because they still have a place to live and they are happy because of that.

In conclusion, it seems like happiness is the thing which everyone wants to get(desires) . Everyone have their own way to define happiness which makes it difficult to define. Eventually, I think(it wouldn't be wrong to say/It is evident/In the end , it can be said that) wealth, health and attitude are three main factors in getting(getting is often used for physical/touchable things, try using achieving from next time on when you are talking baout something abstract/shapeless) happiness.


I am no expert at band scoring. You have a few grammatical mistakes that can be sorted out with just a little more practice. I think you are heading in the right direction. If I had to make a wild guess for bands, I think this is about 6-6.5 but I could be wrong.

It is evident that you have the reasoning capacity to handle essays well. You will only get better at expressing yourself from here on. Keep working!

And also, next time spend 10 minutes patiently just to outline the structure of your essay. 4-5 paragraphs are recommended. Once you feel the structure is good, then start filling it.

Re: check and give me band score. Please :)

Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2014 2:15 pm
by Thảo Trần
thank you so much for spending time to correct my essay. It makes me feel more confident in writing. :)