[Task2] Please check this essay Thanks :)

[qowlaks]

Smokers can cause themselves serious health problems. The choice to smoke is made freely and with knowledge of dangers.
Smokers should therefore expect to pay more for medical treatment than non-smokers.

To what extent do you agree with this statement?

You should write at least 250 words.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

MY ANSWER:
 
 
: Since people have realised that smoking causes harmful things to one's self health, the government has been increasing the cigarette prices. Nonetheless, even the increase in the cost of  medical treatment for smokers doesn’t seem reasonable. Now, i would like to talk about the reason why it is.
 
To begin with, there are many factors that affect human health. Except smoking, even the consumption of junk food can also result in critical effects on body condition, such as obesity, circulatory disturbance, high blood pressure and so on. In other words, people who eat instant food are also harming and exposing  themselves to bad effects for their health. Therefore, if the government take this into consideration also it wouldn't be justifiable that the medical cost for smokers differ from non-smokers. I assert that It could be a form of discrimination.
 
In terms of considering people’s health, the government should change the focus by applying different price systems to smokers to try to reduce the number of people who are smoking by increasing the cost of cigarette and providing free programmes to help them quit. Thereby, smokers would become healthier and the result would devote to the development of the countries where they live, in regards of labor force.
 
In conclusion, medical system should be fair and provide all people with acceptable prices, the government should lead people to live a better life. Thus, paying more for medical treatment for smokers is not appropriate.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

Your points are very good! The development isn't great, but good enough.

Vocabulary is very good, with some topic-specific items.

The range of grammatical structures is wide, but there quite a lot of errors. However, these do tend to be with complex structures. I suggest cutting down the length of some sentences, which would also improve coherence.

Overall, a good essay which could easily be made into a very good one ... well, with some solid grammar practice.

All the best,
David