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Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 9:31 pm
by meir
Question:
Some hold the view that ideas and information should be completely open, and there should be no controls on what people can read and watch in the media (TV, newspapers, Internet).
Do you agree with this view, or do you think that in some circumstances governments should limit the freedom of the media?

Answer:
Nowadays, the media like TV or Internet become one of the most convenient way of delivering information in modern world. Moreover, people at different ages may have access to million tons of information just turning on TV or surfing the internet pages. Some argue that all the information should be completely accessible to everyone, whereas others believe that government should intervene in some circumstances. In this essay will discuss about two viewpoints and give my opinion.
A growing number of people believe that the social media should be open, so that anyone could access any information they need without any restrictions from the governmental side. This is because they say that it is not a branch of governmental structure that can be controlled. For example, student who is writing a paper about the opposition of the country and searching for information from the internet should not have problems with access to particular websites that government guess not safe.
On the other side, some say that government should limit the freedom of the media. They claim that some TV programs and websites can influence negatively on immature minds. For example, some people who are surfing the internet can access to particular websites that are not safe for them. These days, religion become the technique of persuasion people to take part in wars. Because of this, some people may listen to these callings from people who treat wrong religion concepts.
To sum up, many todays media sources uses special techniques to persuade people to do something. In my opinion, government should control the media by restricting access to doubtful websites and TV programs.

Re: Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!

Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:02 am
by David.IELTS.Examiner
Hello!

Excellent question! Lots of opportunities for conditionals and other grammatical forms! Plenty of examples for debate!

Long introduction! With such an open question, I would suggest spending more time on the main paragraphs.

First main paragraph - good, but controversial example ;) but you don't really develop it.

Second main paragraph - another good point, and the introduction of religion makes it super-controversial :D but, again, little real development.

Conclusion - Yeah, ok, sorta, kinda, but you don't give any concrete conclusions.

Overall, a little disappointing. Examples? Vocabulary is quite good, but not specific. Grammatical range is limited and accuracy is not so good - lots of basic errors, e.g. government guess not safe, and sometimes not so easy to understand, e.g. people who treat wrong religion concepts.

All the best,
David