Kindly critique my Task-1

[AhmadMukhtiar]

Your neighbours have a dog that is noisy at night. You can’t sleep. Write a letter to your neighbours. In your letter:

- describe the problem with the dog
- explain why it is important for you to sleep
- outline what your neighbours could do about the situation.


Dear Mr. & Mrs. XYZ,

Hope this letter find you in good health. I just want to bring to your notice that your dog is noisy at night and therefore, i can not get proper sleep.

I have noticed several times that there is a definite problem with your dog. Either he finds difficulties in coping with his new environment or there is something in his blood that makes him so noisy. Even you must have noticed it that whenever you go out for a walk, he almost barks at every person.

At the end of this month i shall be appearing in my final year engineering exams. I usually study till late at night because I work a part time job in day. Whenever i am trying to understand some mathemathical formulas, his sudden barking totally disrupts my concentration. It makes me feel very frustrated and therefore i decided to tell you about my problem.

I hope you have understood my situation and would take some appropriate actions. I suggest if you can put a muzzle on your dog's mouth.

I hope i shall not be disappointed.

Yours sincerely,

ABC.

[allen_zhang]

Your skill is far better than mine.

one thing I'd like to mention is: maybe you can use "snarl" besides "noise" and "bark" to show your vocabulary.

Another important thing is: you mentioned about your study but not you sleep,which might be the biggest problem of this letter.

[AhmadMukhtiar]

Thank you for remarks and suggestion. It was very helpful.

[Ryan]

Hi Ahmad,

Here is a very quick grammar cleanup:

Your neighbours have a dog that is noisy at night. You can’t sleep. Write a letter to your neighbours. In your letter:

- describe the problem with the dog
- explain why it is important for you to sleep
- outline what your neighbours could do about the situation.


Dear Mr. & Mrs. XYZ,

I hope this letter find you in good health. I am writing to bring to your attention an issue I have with the level of noise created by your dog. Please allow me to elaborate.

I have noticed (<--This is an awkward way to word it. You have noticed that the dog is bothersome? Word it more: "On repeated occasions, your dog's barking has been intrusive and disrupts my ability to both work and sleep.") several times that there is a definite problem with your dog. Either he finds difficulties in coping with his new environment or there is something in his blood that makes him so noisy. (<--Maybe try something like this: "As I haven't noticed the noise before, it is clear that your dog is either distressed by something or in need of some sort of disciplinary measure.") Even you must have noticed it that whenever you go out for a walk, he almost barks at every person. (<--To sound a little more natural, try something like: "You must have noticed his tendency to snarl and act aggressively around strangers when you take him for a walk. Perhaps his suspicion of people he doesn't know is part of the problem.")

At the end of this month, I shall be appearing for my graduate engineering exams. I usually study till late at night because I work a part time job during the day. I trust you can empathize with my situation and the effect your dog's barking is having upon my concentration. The situation is causing me immense frustration and therefore I have decided to tell you about my problem.

I hope you understand my situation and would (<--Remove "would".) take some appropriate actions. I suggest if you can put a muzzle on your dog's mouth. (<--I would expand a bit on the "suggestions" area of the letter. It is one of the direct instructions in the task description.)

I hope I shall not be disappointed. (<--This is awkward. Try something like: "I trust you will take measures accordingly.")

Yours sincerely,

ABC.

[AhmadMukhtiar]

Thank you Ryan for your suggestions and corrections. It was really helpful.

[katsenis]

Your neighbours have a dog that is noisy at night. You can’t sleep. Write a letter to your neighbours. In your letter:

- describe the problem with the dog
- explain why it is important for you to sleep
- outline what your neighbours could do about the situation.


Dear Mr. & Mrs. XYZ,

I hope this letter find you in good health. I just want to bring to your notice( bring to your attention) that your dog is noisy at night and therefore, i(I is always capitalized) can not (cannot) get proper sleep.

I have noticed several times that there is a definite problem with your dog. Either he finds difficulties in coping with his new environment or there is something in his blood that makes him so noisy. Even you must have noticed it that whenever you go out for a walk, he almost barks at every person. (This paragraph is a bit off topic.)

At the end of this month i (I) shall be appearing in my final year engineering exams. I usually study till late at night because I work a part time job during the ( day. Whenever i (I) am trying to understand some mathemathical formulas, his sudden barking totally disrupts my concentration. It makes me feel very frustrated and therefore i (I) decided to tell you about my problem.

I hope you have understood my situation and would (will) take some appropriate actions. I suggest (that you put) a muzzle on your dog's mouth.

I hope i (I) shall not be disappointed.

Yours sincerely,

Not bad! If this essay were to be graded as it is, it would likely earn:
Task Response =5 (you did not talk about why you need to sleep. You mentioned that you studied, but that is off the topic.
Coherence and cohesion = 5
Lexical Resource: 6 you do use the word 'hope' too often, but you have good other vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5