please review my GT task 2

[DJvj]

Topic:-
Some people are concerned that children spend too much time on computers - playing games, chatting and watching videos. But all this time is actually good preparation for children, who will have to spend many hours on computers throughout their education and their working lives.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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In the digital world, computers are the integral component in everyone's life. Some people think it is good to have children uses computers at early age . However, some people thinks that it's not appropriate for them to use it . This essay will discuss both viewpoints before coming to a reasoned conclusion.

Nowadays , computers are must to have and should be exposed to the children . This will help them in learning the computers at early age which could be beneficial in their working lives .Secondly ,they can be engaged by playing games and watching informative videos rather than roaming outside. For instance, a child can play strategy games in order to sharpen his/her brain skills. Lastly , this could even generate interest in children which they can take it up as a career opportunity in future.

On the another side of the argument ,spending long hours on computers offers few challenges .Firstly, Children will be put under stress and even sometimes they become addicted to it . This may hamper their studies also. Secondly, Computer usage for prolong can bring health hazard which can make them physically unfit. For instance, children may have eye sight issues or become obesse at younger age. Lastly , computers can distract their interest in studies and parents should monitor their usage as this.

To conclude,i think children shouldn't be allowed to use computers for a long . However,parents should monitor the usage to ensure that it has been used effectively or during leisure time so that it shouldn't hamper their studies.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

With regard to arguments, the main problem is that you haven't made it clear how you have compared the advantages and disadvantages. You say that using computers WILL help children, but your conclusion is that using them for too long is bad. Why? (Poor choice of modals often creates this problem.)

The point about stress is unclear.

How are parents supposed to monitor usage?

There is some good vocabulary (e.g. hamper), but it isn't used to create a coherent argument. Grammar is limited in terms of range of structures, although accuracy is high.

Overall, a reasonable essay that could easily be made better.

All the best,
David

[DJvj]

Thanks for the feedback , made few changes around.



In the digital world, computers are the integral component in everyone’s life. Some people think it is good to have children uses computers at an early age so that they can be prepared for future. However, some people thinks that it's not appropriate for them to use it . This essay will discuss both viewpoints before coming to a reasoned conclusion.
Nowadays, computers are must to have and should be exposed to the children provided it has been effectively. This will help them in learning new things at early age and understand the concept by watching educational videos on the computers. They can play games at leisure time which can help them in regaining their focus. For instance, a child can play strategy games in order to sharpen their brain skills. Lastly, this could even generate interest in children and could take it up as a career opportunity in future.
On another side of the argument, spending long hours on computers can offer some challenges as well. Firstly, Children will be stressed out and even sometimes they become too addicted of it. Secondly, Computer usage can bring health hazard which can make them physically unfit. For instance, children may have eye sight issues or become obese at younger age due to lack of physical movement. Lastly, computers can distract their interest in studies.
To conclude, I think children shouldn't be allowed to use computers for a long. However, a child should expose to other areas also to ensure that his/her development is not being affected. Moreover, Parents should monitor the usage by blocking or filtering the unwanted sites and ensure that children are not glued to it all the time.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

This is better. The conclusion introduces new points, which should be included in the main paragraphs, not mentioned at the end. The idea of the main paragraphs is to explore issues. The purpose of the conclusion is to summarise your view. The increased use of modals really improves this essay.

All the best,
David

[wannabe]

I think instead of "Some people, ... However" in introduction paragraph, it's better to use something like "While some people think..., there are quite a few opponents to this idea.". It makes the sentence easier to read and also eliminates repetition of "some people".

I've also noticed some very basic grammar mistakes, such as:
"children uses" -> "children use" (children is plural noun)
"some people thinks" -> "some people think" (people is also plural)

Also one advice I've heard from one IELTS examinator: Don't write "his/her", "he/she", just pick either one and stick to it.

[DJvj]

Thanks a lot for valuable feedback.