GT Task 2 - Is this essay very distant from to a 7? My exam is on July 16th and I'm trying to improve my essays.

[vitor.rmachado]

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Question:
Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems
as well as benefits.

Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?
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It is argued that being a famous person, such as a movie star or an athlete brings some advantages, but along with these advantages, some drawbacks. To my way of thinking, the drawbacks are overshadowed by the benefits because they can be avoided.
One of the principle advantage of being famous is the fact that life is easier for famous people. Since famous people are worldwide known, it is extremely beneficial for companies and establishments to be associated with these individuals, so organizations give to celebrities their products to have their image linked to celebrities. For instance, Cristiano Ronaldo, a very famous soccer player, gained three top-notch cars from Chevrolet company, and he only had to take pictures driving the cars and give the pictures to the press. As a consequence, Chevrolet had an astronomical increase in the number of cars sold, since then.
Not only having their lives easier, but also becoming rich is an advantage associated with being famous. Once again, companies and establishments have benefits when they are associated with famous people, therefore it is quite common to see these companies paying celebrities to advertise their goods on TV commercials or journals. For instance, Anderson Silva, a famous MMA fighter, earns more than 2 million dollars annually only appearing in commercials.
The main problem linked to being famous is the fact that you become a public person, known by not only individuals who watch TV or buy newspapers, but also by criminals, what makes celebrities more vulnerable to offenses. And being rich just strengthen the criminal's intention. To illustrate, recently a man tried to kidnap a very famous model called Ana Hickman. Despite this, celebrities can hire personal guards to prevent this kinds of issues, therefore this drawback can be avoided.
In conclusion, the problems of being famous are eclipsed by the benefits because they are not strong enough and they can be eliminated. Celebrities should try to hire guards and try to avoid going to dangerous places, in order to minimize the possibility of issues.

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

You're basically using the same example for the first two arguments, which is not a good idea and somewhat repetitive. You also failed to note the problems when a famous person behaves badly.

The kidnap example is true, but is it really the main problem? Perhaps in lawless countries. Is the problem really overcome by hiring bodyguards? Isn't that restrictive?

Grammatical range and accuracy and vocabulary are very good, but this essays is not quite such a high standard when it comes to task response and coherence.

All the best,
David