Kindly assess my writing. Thankyou

[Dr.Khurram]

Some people think that the government should pay one of the parents of very young children to stay at home to look after their children.
What do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages of this policy?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In this contemporary society, most of the children fail to get proper attention of their parents due to busy and tiresome schedule of working parents. Many commentators are of the view that it is a responsibility of government to provide financial support to one of the working parents of infants while other analysts defend the idea that, by doing so will cause extra burden on the society. In my opinion, this trend has both advantages and disadvantages.
Firstly, it is not unreasonable to suggest that providing financial assistance to one of the working parent will be dramatically beneficial for the children because as one parent will work and other stay at home and help their children in their studies and children also become more confident and excel in their education. Moreover, this will also help in alleviating the spending of working parents on day care facilities. Furthermore, this trend also retards the chances of child abuse.
Related to these arguments is a critique that, by providing financial support to parents will cause extra burden on the economy of underdeveloped countries. Some people also contend that adapting to this trend will downsize the number of working individual, which will further retard the economic growth of country. At the same time, it cannot be overlooked that if one parent stays at home then it will cause extra financial burden on the working parent.
To recapitulate, although this trend has both positive and negative consequences, I strongly agree that its advantages outweigh its disadvantages

[David.IELTS.Examiner]

Hello!

I think that the points you make are potentially good, but you failed to add that little extra which would really make this a good essay.

The introduction is too long - roughly the same length as the two main paragraphs.

In the first main paragraph, the big 'hole' in your argument is simply that most children are at school during the day, so ...

In the second main paragraph, you mention that the number of employed people would be reduced, but wouldn't that give opportunities to unemployed people? Where is the extra financial burden if the non-working parent is being paid?

Always be sure to develop arguments/points. In addition, be extremely careflu about using 'will' (= certain/almost certain in all situations). As a little exercise, go through your essay and count the number of times you use 'will' and the number of times you use any modal, such as 'might', 'could', 'may'.

All the best,
David

[Dr.Khurram]

Thank You so much, David for your useful input.