Please evaluate my essay - Task 2

[Guru]

All over the world, the number of overweight people is growing. What do you feel are the main causes of this? What are the effects?

Obesity among people worldwide has surfaced as a serious threat to human health. It has increased at an alarming rate globally, especially during the past 40 years of human existence. The reasons and ill-effects of being overweight will be further analyzed.

One of the major causes of obesity is the sedentary lifestyle of people. For example, individuals working in the services sector are not required to exert themselves physically thereby leading to a predominantly inactive lifestyle, thus leading to corpulence. Another reason that maybe attributed to putting on excessive body weight is the bad habit of people eating more and more pre-cooked, fast and frozen foods. This is especially true of metropolises where people are so busy in their professional work that they do not find time to prepare healthy home-cooked meals. Sadly, more and more people are joining the bandwagon of frozen and fast food consumers, thus leading to obesity.

Let us discuss the effects of acquiring unneeded body fat. Firstly, it leads to some dreadful diseases like high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes to name a few. These diseases have been found to have a direct relation to increased body weight. They further put an excessive burden on the healthcare system and also decrease the overall quality of human life. Secondly, being overweight leads to a lack of physical fitness and stamina which reduces an individual’s concentration and productivity in personal and professional life. If majority of the population suffers from a lack of fitness then one can clearly see how it would negatively affect the productivity and growth of the nation as a whole.

To summarize, the problems of stoutness cannot be brushed aside lightly. As we can see, the long term effects of being overweight are detrimental for the wellbeing of an individual and the society at large.

[andytruong1202]

All over the world, the number of overweight people is growing. What do you feel are the main causes of this? What are the effects?

Obesity among people worldwide has surfaced as a serious threat to human health. It has increased at an alarming rate globally, especially during the past 40 years of human existence. The reasons and ill-effects of being overweight will be further analyzed. Good introduction

(Need a topic sentence here for both reasons). One of the major causes of obesity is the sedentary lifestyle of people. For example, individuals working in the services sector are not required to exert themselves physically thereby leading to a predominantly inactive lifestyle, thus leading to corpulence (overuse of conjunction ). Another reason that may be attributed to putting on excessive body weight is the bad habit of people eating more and more pre-cooked, fast and frozen foods. This is especially true in metropolises where people are so busy in their professional work that they cannot find time to prepare healthy home-cooked meals. Sadly, more and more people are joining the bandwagon (good vocab) of frozen and fast food consumers, thus leading to obesity. (good paragraph)

Let us discuss the effects of acquiring unneeded body fat (good synonym for obesity). Firstly, it may lead to some dreadful diseases like high blood pressure, high cholesterol level and diabetes to name a few. These diseases have been found to have a direct relation to increased body weight (does this sentence mean the same as the previous one?). They further (what did they do first?) put an excessive burden on the healthcare system and also decrease the overall quality of human life (should give some examples to prove your point). Secondly, being overweight leads to a lack of physical fitness and stamina (good vocab) which reduces individuals' concentration and productivity in their personal and professional lives. If majority of the population suffers from a lack of fitness, then one can clearly see how it would negatively affect the productivity and growth of the nation as a whole (How?).

don't repeat the ideas

To summarize, the problems of stoutness (good synonym) cannot be brushed aside lightly (do you mean easily?). As we can see, the long term effects of being overweight are detrimental for the well-being of individuals and society at large. (Did you mention the long-term effects of obesity earlier?)

A good essay. Would be at 7+ - 7.5+. Good use of vocabulary, grammar.

What did you get in your last test?

[Guru]

Hi andytruong1202,

Thank you for sparing time and providing your valuable inputs!

1. I agree that the second paragraph could have been made more elaborate by giving relevant examples.
2. I believe that the sentence "predominantly inactive lifestyle, thus leading to corpulence" should be modified to read "predominantly inactive lifestyle leading to corpulence".
3. I believe that "true of metropolises" is correct usage. If I'm missing something then can you guide why do you think otherwise?
4. "lightly" means "With indifference".
5. I thought the "long term effects" were implicit especially when you contract some diseases like BP, Sugar which have a long term effect on your body, health and quality of life. Maybe I need to write more lucidly so that there is no scope for ambiguity for a person who does not know about such diseases - I should NOT assume that the examiner knows about the examples beforehand. I hope that is what the point is?
6. Most of the other suggestions seem to be a different way of writing the sentence. Thanks for sharing the same.

I got a band 7 in Writing and 8.5 each in L/R/S in my first attempt. I need an 8 each. I'm going to sit for my 2nd attempt on 10th May.

[andytruong1202]

Hi Guru,

Your result was very impressive. I've only achieved a band 7.5, so what I gave you was just my personal opinion and it may not be totally correct. Let's discuss your comments below.

2. I believe that the sentence "predominantly inactive lifestyle, thus leading to corpulence" should be modified to read "predominantly inactive lifestyle leading to corpulence".

It'd cause an overlap of the "leading" usage.

3. I believe that "true of metropolises" is correct usage. If I'm missing something then can you guide why do you think otherwise?

Yeah, you're right

4. "lightly" means "With indifference".

I don't get it

5. I thought the "long term effects" were implicit especially when you contract some diseases like BP, Sugar which have a long term effect on your body, health and quality of life. Maybe I need to write more lucidly so that there is no scope for ambiguity for a person who does not know about such diseases - I should NOT assume that the examiner knows about the examples beforehand. I hope that is what the point is?

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These diseases are just a result of obesity, but the long-term effects of these diseases would be something like a stroke or a heart attack obese people may encounter in the future.

And I think you could imply these diseases are long-term effects of obesity. It's just you didn't clearly explain them in your body sentences.

And I think some examiners would have the same opinion as yours, so you're good