Task 1 essay , please give suggestion , give me a band score

[holymanbinny]

The bar graph depicts how the birth and death rates in Switzerland changed over the time period of 1970 to 2020.

It can be observed that in the beginning of 1970,the birth and death rates stood at 1.2 and 1 million respectively. In the next 10 years birth rate remained static at 1.2 million, while there was a 30% increase in death rates when compared with 1970. This was followed by an another moderate increase in both birth and death rates by 0.5 and 0.2 million respectively .

From 1990 to 2010, there was a dramatic increase, although much steeper, in the birth rate as figures nearly doubled, in comparison to the birth figures of 1990, on the contrary side death figures fall significantly to a similar level as 1970. In 2020, the birth rates will be expected to increase about 10%, however the death rates are predicted to decline greater than 18% in comparison to 2010.

In conclusion, birth rates has increased considerably over the years , while death rates are expected to decrease further more in coming future.

[drjawad61]

The bar graph depicts how the birth and death rates in Switzerland changed over the time period of 1970 to 2020.

It can be observed that in the beginning of 1970,the birth and death rates stood at 1.2 and 1 million respectively. In the next 10 years birth rate remained static at 1.2 million, while there was a 30% increase in death rates when compared with 1970. This was followed by an another moderate increase in both birth and death rates by 0.5 and 0.2 million respectively .

From 1990 to 2010, there was a dramatic increase, although much steeper, in the birth rate as figures nearly doubled, in comparison to the birth figures of 1990, on the contrary side death figures fall significantly to a similar level as 1970. In 2020, the birth rates will be expected to increase about 10%, however the death rates are predicted to decline greater than 18% in comparison to 2010.

In conclusion, birth rates has increased considerably over the years , while death rates are expected to decrease further more in coming future.

to holyman
well bro ,, i am a new student of ielts ,as a part from it ,i am also preparing for IeLTS academic, in your task i will point out few improvemnt that can be helpful for you to achieve best bands,

first of all any chart ,bar ,table need introduction,,in a proper way,, which is missing here,
then an overall trend is missing,
talking about the body ,, you talkd about 30% percent which does not relates to the topic,you should write that while there was increased in the death rates round about 1.3 million.next line comparing with the 1970 does not relate appropriately,in terms of percentage.

here the colcusion is good and to the point .about body it lacks th structure needed plus i have highlighted your few errors ,in sentnce above with black,red and blue colours in bold,so that you can see your little mistakes.

next you have used limited vocabulary ,,and used repeatitions here .

respectively two times
increases five times

compare comparison three times

birth rate figure twice times



now come to the other few small erros of grammars ,,and sentences ..

This was followed by an another moderate increase in

Code: Select all

both

[/u] birth and death rates by 0.5 and 0.2 million respectively .

when you are using both then no need to wirte the birth and death just both is enough.



then In 2020, the birth rates will be expected to increase about 10%, however the death rates are predicted to decline greater than 18% in comparison to 2010.




you are here not to asked in task 1 to give your opinion ....expected to increase about ,however the death rate are predicted to decline

the use of the predict and expect denates or refer to future and your opinion ,,about the report,so its totally wrong ,, i will explain you here


the opening sentence ,must be in present tense,, while the body should be in past tense.

you should use additional words for increase ,,one word used cannot be used twice,,

other words for increase , rose to boom to ,went up to ..inclined to ,jumped up ,,peak


feel free to contact if you are not clear yet

regards dr jawad

[holymanbinny]

The bar graph depicts how the birth and death rates in Switzerland changed over the time period of 1970 to 2020.

It can be observed that in the beginning of 1970,the birth and death rates stood at 1.2 and 1 million respectively. In the next 10 years birth rate remained static at 1.2 million, while there was a 30% increase in death rates when compared with 1970. This was followed by an another moderate increase in both birth and death rates by 0.5 and 0.2 million respectively .

From 1990 to 2010, there was a dramatic increase, although much steeper, in the birth rate as figures nearly doubled, in comparison to the birth figures of 1990, on the contrary side death figures fall significantly to a similar level as 1970. In 2020, the birth rates will be expected to increase about 10%, however the death rates are predicted to decline greater than 18% in comparison to 2010.

In conclusion, birth rates has increased considerably over the years , while death rates fallen consistently in the ending of 19th century

to holyman
well bro ,, i am a new student of ielts ,as a part from it ,i am also preparing for IeLTS academic, in your task i will point out few improvemnt that can be helpful for you to achieve best bands,

first of all any chart ,bar ,table need introduction,,in a proper way,, which is missing here,
then an overall trend is missing,
talking about the body ,, you talkd about 30% percent which does not relates to the topic,you should write that while there was increased in the death rates round about 1.3 million.next line comparing with the 1970 does not relate appropriately,in terms of percentage.

Well i diagree that as above part i structured from a band 9 sample essay

here the colcusion is good and to the point .about body it lacks th structure needed plus i have highlighted your few errors ,in sentnce above with black,red and blue colours in bold,so that you can see your little mistakes.

next you have used limited vocabulary ,,and used repeatitions here . ( accept my this mistake )

respectively two times
increases five times

compare comparison three times

birth rate figure twice times



now come to the other few small erros of grammars ,,and sentences ..

This was followed by an another moderate increase in

Code: Select all

both

[/u] birth and death rates by 0.5 and 0.2 million respectively .

when you are using both then no need to wirte the birth and death just both is enough.



then In 2020, the birth rates will be expected to increase about 10%, however the death rates are predicted to decline greater than 18% in comparison to 2010.




you are here not to asked in task 1 to give your opinion( by the way it does not show my opinion , it shows it is to be happened in future) ....expected to increase about ,however the death rate are predicted to decline

the use of the predict and expect denates or refer to future and your opinion ,,about the report,so its totally wrong ,, i will explain you here


the opening sentence ,must be in present tense,, while the body should be in past tense.

you should use additional words for increase ,,one word used cannot be used twice,,

other words for increase , rose to boom to ,went up to ..inclined to ,jumped up ,,peak


feel free to contact if you are not clear yet

regards dr jawad

Thank you for correcting my mistakes,

I would like to suggest you, when some figures are given in future you can use prediction or forecast or expectation , that i readed online.

[drjawad61]

Thank you for correcting my mistakes,

I would like to suggest you, when some figures are given in future you can use prediction or forecast or expectation , that i readed online.

well bro ,, you are welcome ,for anything ,, if you feel bad for the reviews i pointed out on your essay,i am extremely sorry for that,but my main aim is to correct you as well as correct my hidden mistakes,.

i hope you take this criticism as positive..

regards
drjawad

[holymanbinny]

Definitely , but intend to correct my mistakes , also appreciated for corrected my mistake, please i don't take me also in wrong way

[drjawad61]

holy man

bro ,,where are you from ??? ,,actually ,this forum is basically build by sir ryan to point out our mistakes,to have mor group discussions, everyoneo has its own way of writing skills,definitely, i have no doubt about your writing skill,you can write the best ,,ielts is a blind test where everyone ability in thinking writing speaking and listening is tested.


in addition ,i am a doctor ,,and i am best in my medicine not in IELTS,as ielts is not my domain,,its a piece of cake for me to get 6.5 in all 4 modules,but i want 7.5 each ,so i am working hard on it ,

i feel very proud of you or someone else who will correct my mistakes,because this is not my exam day ,yet i am preparing to make myself free from all mistakes and to perform the best .

regards
drjawad