IELTS 8 , TEST 1, WRITING TASK 2

[Nanna]

Question- Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of the society. Others, however, believe, that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In order to be a better member of the society whether the parents should be responsible or the school has been debatable always. In my opinion both play an equal inevitable role.

It is considered that not only parents are a child's first guardian, but also their first teachers. Alongwith the looks inherited, the habits, behaviour and etiquette are also transferred. However, parents need to teach children for being a better human. First of all, to respect the elderly. To greet everyone with a smile, so that they feel respectful. Secondly, to help each other whenever in need. This not only builds a helping nature but spreads joy to both the render and receiver.Finally, a highest education should be acquired. This tends to satisfactory job and handsome income, which makes the child even more confident and responsible; making both family and society a better place to live in.

On the other hand, schools have their own part. Children often spend seven to eight hours in school. The atmosphere in school surrounded by teachers and friends has a great influence on children. Each morning starts with a prayer followed by a uniform and hygiene check. This is to maintain health and to have faith in God. Discipline and punctuality are priorities in school. Alongwith education , teachers also focus on enhancing creativity in kids. Hence, inculcating an interest in some art which in future might be chosen as a profession. Also, habit of sincerity and honesty is taught. Sincerity is appreciated by schools in the form of certificates and trophies awarded to hardworking pupils. And, honesty in apologizing for mistakes.

To sum up, not only parents build a good society member out of children but an equal, dependent and unavoidable role is played by teachers as well.

[Nanna]

please have a look at the above essay and find mistakes

[Johnson zhang]

really good essay. clean intro and conclusion. you discussed both sides well.
You are an advanced student of Eng but there are many parts where i think you wrote them awkward.

e.g.,
In order to be a better member (the question doesn't say if kids are not good enough) of the (delete) society (comma?) (this part is really broken, "in order to, some thing must happen", "in order to, whether...."???) whether the parents should be responsible or the school has been debatable always.( this part of sentence just doesnt flow) In my opinion(comma?) both (both what?)play an equal(and?) inevitable role.

[Nanna]

Thank you so much !!

[Copperun]

Sorry to say Nanna but, your essay is not up to the marks.
Here are your some Editing you can do-
1.Use 2 POV(Point of view) in ur intro para
2.Never ever reveal/tell your opinion/thoughts in Intro para. Do it in conclusion para(the last para)
3.Use examples in your each supporting para's that support your current supporting para's POV.
4.Always write(prediction or recommendation line) in conclusion para on the bases of your side(Which you choose at last after analyzing both POV in your supporting para's 1&2.)
Ex sentences-Without a doubt in the comming years it is predicted that.....(whatever)
-It is felt or recommended that....(whatever u recommend)

Personal advise watch these Ryan Higgins videos
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7sVe5z ... nw&index=4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7rBlBb ... nw&index=5

[Nanna]

thank u so much for taking out time to find flaws in my essay

and thanks a ton for the tips.
i will follow them..