Need your valuble opinion on just my introduction

[holymanbinny]

Can I write this way or not

In this modern era, employment has become the most cardinal part of every individual life,thus to earn economic incentives for raiseing its family and himself. Some people argue that working married female may arise problems such as felony in young childern, as they are not in home to look after their child. While i accept that it may happen in some cases, i certainly believe that working women is not responsible for juvenile crimes due to several reason.


Have i written it correct please suggest me something as i sometimes get confused.

Thanks.

[theblissforest]

Can I write this way or not

In this modern era, employment has become the most cardinal part of every individual life,thus to earn economic incentives for raiseing its family and himself. Some people argue that working married female may arise problems such as felony in young childern, as they are not in home to look after their child. While i accept that it may happen in some cases, i certainly believe that working women is not responsible for juvenile crimes due to several reason.


Have i written it correct please suggest me something as i sometimes get confused.

Thanks.

Hi! I am not an IELTS expert, but may I make some suggestions based on some of things I have learned so far?

1. Perhaps, it would be better to use the word "supporting" instead of "raising" if it pertains to the income for the whole family.
2. Working married female - I suggest the use of "working mothers".
3. "that working married female may arise problems" - I think it would be better to rephrase this part. My suggestion is "...the absence of mothers at home due to employment brings about problems such as felony among children as they are not at home to look after their kids."
4. Finally, the last part of your last sentence may also be rephrased: working women are not responsible for the juvenile crimes committed by their offspring.

I hope some of these points are helpful.

[Aditi]

In this modern era, employment has become the most cardinal part of every individual’s life, thus to earn economic incentives for raising its family and himself( don’t use himself ). Some people argue that working married female may arise problems such as felony in young children, as they are not in home to look after their child. While i( don’t use [/color]personal pronoun) accept that it may happen in some cases, I certainly believe that working women is not responsible for juvenile crimes due to several reason.

My way of writing,( I am student like you)

In today’s competitive world, employment acts as an avenue for individual’s success. This is thus both the parents work to fulfil their basic requirements, and to fortify their economic standard. It is disagreed that working mother precursor to juvenile delinquency. This will be proven by looking at how violent media catalyse the criminal behaviours and bad peers influence for illegal activities