IELTS Writing Task 2 - Feedback Please

[Alexofgrowth]

Hi, please give me you feedback if you can on that answer.
Thank you.

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Sincelong time ago the idea of fatherhood have not seemed to be as important as motherhood is. There are many arguments about the point of view that women are solely responsible for deciding questions, such as whether or not to have babies or what is the most proper way of bringing the children up. In my opinion, every father responsible for any decision about his child th the same degree as every mother does. I am of that opinion because children must receive the experience of communication with both parents and because our women can't carry the world upon their shoulders.

The main reason of mine is the conviction that each child should be brought up by both mother and father. I believe so because of my own experience. I spent my childhood with my mother only and I would not say that it left good mark on my temper and my personality. For that reason we have to do as much as possible to keeo our families' members together, not to allow them to fall apart.

Another reason of mine is the obvious fact that it is extremely hard for women to foster children on her own. I don't want to refer to my own life again though I could. That is why I would like to take as an example the childhood of my close friend George. As far as I know it was very hard for his mother to give him proper education, teach him good manners and always have new clothes and fresh meal for him. Having a look at all that, I have decided that we can't leave our second part alone.

In conclusion, I want to restate how important it is for fathers to take huge part in upbringing the children.

[saqibali]

Hi, please give me you feedback if you can on that answer.
Thank you.

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Sincelong[Since many years] time ago the idea of fatherhood have[has] not seemed[remove seemed][been] to be[remove to be] as important as motherhood is. There are many arguments about the point of view that women are solely responsible for deciding questions, such as whether or not to have babies or what is the most proper way of bringing the children up. In my opinion, every father responsible for any decision about his child th the same degree as every mother does. I am of that opinion because children must receive the experience of communication with both parents and because our women can't carry the world upon their shoulders.

The main reason of mine is the conviction that each child should be brought up by both mother and father. I believe so because of my own experience. I spent my childhood with my mother only and I would not say that it left good mark on my temper and my personality. For that reason we have to do as much as possible to keeo our families' members together, not to allow them to fall apart.

Another reason of mine is the obvious fact that it is extremely hard for women to foster children on her own. I don't want to refer to my own life again though I could. That is why I would like to take as an example the childhood of my close friend George. As far as I know it was very hard for his mother to give him proper education, teach him good manners and always have new clothes and fresh meal for him. Having a look at all that, I have decided that we can't leave our second part alone.

In conclusion, I want to restate how important it is for fathers to take huge part in upbringing the children.

Dear Candidate,
Please take my comment positively.
Remove spelling mistakes
Remove grammar mistakes.I believe if you reread this essay, you can remove them easily.
Write naturally so that we could assess you better.The response has many words from another essay in this forum.