IELTS GT Writing Task 2 - Pls Comment on my essay attempt 2

[charles205]

02.question
Watching TV is an effective way of educating children. Children should be encouraged to watch TV regularly at home and at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this ?

Answer:

The effectiveness of teaching young people is largely increased with the use of multimedia based technologies. It can be due to this, the television (TV) has given some consideration. However, it is argued that TV is not as productive as in children’s learning process because it fails to provide necessary level of exercise and feedback which are essentials of an effective learning process.

Having enough physical exercise is a key aspect of child’s mental and physical development, but with TV programmes this is rather difficult or impractical. For example, recent government’s research on children below 15 years has shown that much of their time is spent idling in front of a TV. Furthermore, the tendency to take significant amount of junk food is also high during such time. This results in lower heartbeat, blood circulation and metabolism which risk the healthy development of mind and body. Thus it is clear how TV can be ineffective in children’s education.

The regular feedback ensures the continuous improvement, and children get the best if it is a part of the learning process. Unfortunately, TV can do very little about this. For instance, even the bestselling children’s TV programme in my region “Smart Teacher” doesn't have a feedback feature. Therefore, the guardian at home and the teachers at school have little idea on the learning potentials of the programme and have no clue on how to order and prioritize for the best result. It can be due to this, the TV would not be a reliable source for the children’s education.

In conclusion, TV has some potential due to its rich multimedia features, but making children to watch it regularly is not supported after the analysis done on its effectiveness. Instead, other alternatives should be considered which provide required level of physical stimulation and feedback.

[charles205]

Pls comment on my essay no 02. What should be improved ?

[masudsust07]

try to use synonyms of words such as because of , as ,since instead of due to. you have used this word a lot of time. put more emphasis on introduction and maintain logical sequence. gook luck

[charles205]

Thanks, do you think the essay introduction and coherence is not good for band 7 ? I need to achieve it somehow. pls comment.

[saqibali]

Dear Charles,
For band 7, you need improvement.Spent more time on practice and you will ace it Do not worry

[charles205]

hi saqibali,
Thanks. Can you rate my essay. Does it need some more to get band 7?

[saqibali]

Definitely

[charles205]

It would be helpful if you point them out.

[Piazzi]

In my opinion, you already has achieved band 7.0

Look the band description given by IELTs, and you will notice that your essay fill the features of a band 7 essay.

[ginger90]

In my opinion, you already has achieved band 7.0

Look the band description given by IELTs, and you will notice that your essay fill the features of a band 7 essay.

pls assess my writing also
viewtopic.php?f=5&t=2694

[ginger90]

Dear Charles,
For band 7, you need improvement.Spent more time on practice and you will ace it Do not worry

pls assess my writing also
viewtopic.php?f=5&t=2694

[charles205]

In my opinion, you already has achieved band 7.0

Look the band description given by IELTs, and you will notice that your essay fill the features of a band 7 essay.

Thanks for the comment.