Please comment on my letter and give me feedback

[Ali Ehsan]

Task
You stay at your friend’s house when you participated in the conference in Australia. You left a briefcase with important documents in his room. Write a letter to your friend. In the letter
1. Thank your friend for the stay
2. Describe the briefcase
3. Tell your friend what you want him to do.

Dear Asad,

Thank you very much for your support and hospitality shown during my stay at your home. My flight from Melbourne was on time and I just reached Adelaide after a long hectic journey.

As I landed on the airport, I noticed that I left my black color briefcase in your room. It is of medium size equipped with modern locking system. Most importantly, it is containing some of my personal documents including my company identity card and participation certificate of the conference. I can't afford to bear its loss, so this situation is quite worrying for me.

Please check your room for the briefcase and call me once you find it. I would appreciate if you return the same by post at your earliest. I need to submit the certificate on next Monday, so your priority action is required.

Thank you once again and pay my regards to your family members.

Your friend,
Ali

[durai]

Dear Asad,
give some personal greetings to your friend

Thank you very much for your support formal tone instead of informal thanks for the hospitality shown during my stay at your home. My flight from Melbourne was on time, and I just reached Adelaide after a long hectic why hectic? you just said it was on time and changing to negative form immediately is unnatural, just remove word' hectic' journey.

As I landed on the airport, not a good transitional phrase As I get out from the airport, I realized that I left my briefcase at your home. I noticed that I left my black color briefcase in your room. It is medium size one with modern locking system. Most importantly, it has some of my personal documents which includes my company identity card and participation certificate of the conference. I'm not afford to lose as these are required for my future career.

So please check your room for the briefcase and give me a call once you find it. I would appreciate if you return the same by express post at your earliest. I need to submit the certificate on next Monday, so please let me know the courier tracking number.

Thank you once again formal tone thanks again and pay my regards to your family members.

Your friend,
Ali


Comments:

TR: At times you tone is formal as you are writing to a friend so it should be informal, its easy just write like as you speak. Otherwise you have addressed all bullet points but not developed fully. For example, for the first question, you just answered in one simple sentence, instead expand with one more sentence. Also, word count is just reached 151, its good, but I advise you to write at least 160, just in case. Apart from that you have responded to the task as required. Looks band 7

CC: your grammar issues stop the flow of the letter, on occasion i need to reread what you trying to say, means I didn't understand in the first time. Not many cohesive devices used, when used it was inaccurate. Band 6

LR: adequate for the task but some of them not used accurately, as i said with the word ' hectic'. Could be band 6

GR&A: you have employed different structures which is good as the examiner knows straightaway that you are band 6+ candidate, also you used "if" clause. Looks band 7

overall: 7+ 6+ 6+7= 26/4= 6.5 overall ( I am not an assessor, it only based on my experience)

[Ali Ehsan]

Dear Durai,

Thank you for your detailed review. I will try to overcome the shortcomings, as highlighted by you. I'm looking for band 7 (overall) in writing.


BR,
Ali