Please assess my General Writing Task

[vikasggn]

You have taken a cruise and have been disappointed with the experience. Write a letter to the cruise provider and specify
- what went wrong
- how did you feel about it
- what do you want to be done about it.
===========================================================================================================
Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing this letter to express my highly unsatisfactory experience on your cruise journey on 25th Jun 2014 in the evening hours. I am a great fan of having water picnics with my family and probably this was the worst experience to me and my family after spending a handsome money of 1200 Euros.

My problem started right at the booking of my tickets when I was allotted seats in the front row along my eighty year old grandmother. It was a tough decision and I was very hesitant but after lot of argument with the booking agent I had no other option but to go for it. The cruise was supposed to start at 6 PM, but it took close to 45 minutes to get all the prerequisites in place and we started at around 6:45 PM. As a safety measure, I demanded a life jacket for my 5 years old daughter, but could only get some grueling looks from one of your executive(I think Natasha). Anyways, in the middle of water, I had no other option but to compromise again and focus on few good things around.

The journey became much more painful at the start of the dinner. We were already late however it took another 30 minutes to get some stale sandwiches and drinks. There was no arrangement for diabetic patients and my grand-mother had no other choice but to look at us while all of us were eating. When my wife asked for another sandwich on payment basis, there was no stock available.

After paying so much of money and wasting my valuable time, I am feeling cheated with the hospitality and quality of the service provided to the customers . I am not sure how you guys would be able to sustain in this competitive services industry with such a poor standards. I am highly dissatisfied and want a full refund of my money at the earliest possible.

James

[argho1985]

You have taken a cruise and have been disappointed with the experience. Write a letter to the cruise provider and specify
- what went wrong
- how did you feel about it
- what do you want to be done about it.
===========================================================================================================
Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing this letter to express my highly unsatisfactory experience on your cruise journey on 25th Jun 2014 in the evening hours. I am a great fan of having water picnics with my family and probably this was the worst experience to me and my family after spending a handsome money of 1200 Euros.

My problem started right at the booking of my tickets when I was allotted seats in the front row along my eighty year old grandmother. It was a tough decision and I was very hesitant but after lot of argument with the booking agent I had no other option but to go for it. The cruise was supposed to start at 6 PM, but it took close to 45 minutes to get all the prerequisites in place and we started at around 6:45 PM. As a safety measure, I demanded a life jacket for my 5 years old daughter, but could only get some grueling looks from one of your executive(I think Natasha). Anyways, in the middle of water, I had no other option but to compromise again and focus on few good things around.

The journey became much more painful at the start of the dinner. We were already late however it took another 30 minutes to get some stale sandwiches and drinks. There was no arrangement for diabetic patients and my grand-mother had no other choice but to look at us while all of us were eating. When my wife asked for another sandwich on payment basis, there was no stock available.

After paying so much of money and wasting my valuable time, I am feeling cheated with the hospitality and quality of the service provided to the customers . I am not sure how you guys would be able to sustain in this competitive services industry with such a poor standards. I am highly dissatisfied and want a full refund of my money at the earliest possible.

James

Hi,

Watch your word count mate, its look like you have written more than 150 words. Secondly the second big para has several words which are used in wrong sense. For instance , you could have said "I ordered or I asked", you wrote "I demanded".

Use some linking words. in the second para you can start with To begin with and then subsequent para as Furthermore, which will sound a logical flow in the letter.

Thanks
Argho

[vikasggn]

Thanks Argho. Appreciate your feedback.

On the length of essay comment, is it that we can't go beyond 150 words as long as space is there?
I thought writing less than 150 was a worry.

Regards
Vikas Arora

[argho1985]

Thanks Argho. Appreciate your feedback.

On the length of essay comment, is it that we can't go beyond 150 words as long as space is there?
I thought writing less than 150 was a worry.

Regards
Vikas Arora

Hi Vikas,

If you write less than 150 it will be be penalised, make sure that word limit is between 150-180.. Don't go beyond 200 mark..You never know the mood of the checker, he can give me more marks or he can give you less marks too..

Thanks
Argho

[vikasggn]

Thanks Argho.

Best Regards
Vikas

[Flick]

You have taken a cruise and have been disappointed with the experience. Write a letter to the cruise provider and specify
- what went wrong
- how did you feel about it
- what do you want to be done about it.
===========================================================================================================
Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing this letter to express my highly unsatisfactory experience on your cruise journey on 25th Jun 2014 in the evening hours. (<-- Reword to: I am writing to express my disappointment with the cruise on 25th June.) I am a great fan of having water picnics with my family and probably this was the worst experience to me and my family after spending a handsome money of 1200 Euros. (<-- Reword to: The entire experience was terrible.)

My problem started right at the booking of my tickets when I was allotted seats in the front row along my eighty year old grandmother. (<-- Reword to: Problems arose from the very beginning. When booking tickets, I was giving front row seats with my eighty year old grandmother.) It was a tough decision and I was very hesitant but after lot of argument with the booking agent I had no other option but to go for it. (<-- Reword to: Due to her age, I was hesitant to accept these seats, but after arguing with the booking agent for several minutes, I was given no other options.) The cruise was supposed to start at 6 PM, but it took close to 45 minutes to get all the prerequisites in place and we started at around 6:45 PM. As a safety measure, I demanded a life jacket for my 5 years old daughter, but could only get some grueling looks from one of your executive(I think Natasha). (<-- Reword to: For the safety of my 5 year old daughter I requested a life jacket, but only received a rude look from one of your staff (I think her name was Natasha).) Anyways, in the middle of water, I had no other option but to compromise again and focus on few good things around. (<-- Reword to: So once again, I had no choice but to accept this terrible service and compromise the safety of my child.)

The journey became much more painful at the start of the dinner. We were already late but it took another 30 minutes to get some stale sandwiches and drinks. There was no arrangement for diabetic patients and my grand-mother had no other choice but to look at us while we were eating. When my wife asked for another sandwich on payment basis, there was no stock available. (<-- Reword to: When my wife asked for another sandwich, there were none available.)

After paying so much of money and wasting my valuable time, I am feeling cheated with the hospitality and quality of the service provided to the customers. I am not sure how you are able to sustain your business in the customer services industry with such poor standards. I am highly dissatisfied and would like a full refund of my money as soon as possible.

James