Could you please edit and mark for me this essay?

[suribright]

Hi all,
This is my first time using this website. I think it is really good.
- Could you please edit and mark for me this essay below?
- could you please recommend a gap to improve based on this essay?
- Also please give me useful links to recent topics for general Ielts test. I would like to write task1 and task2 following the good guide since there are so many topics in website.

Thanks!

Task 2 topic: Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree?

Today, a computer has extremely become an important machine in the modern life. However, many people believe that this equipment has given a negative effect on the children in day life. In my view, I completely disagree with this statement. Thus, this essay will be proven by analyzing the potential needs of computer for children’s progressive education and professional carrier.

Firstly, no one can deny that computer has encouraged the child study by using visual interaction tools. For example, some computer program using animations and attractive pictures, Math game in particular, helps youngsters to study the subject easily and effectively. Learners keen on to win a high mark in studied games and gain on their knowledge by playing these games. This example make clear useful of computer for the children education. Thus, this give a reason why giving a children studied computer is important.

In addition to this, having an up-front computer skill will definitely enrich the children professional carrier. This gives the necessary requirement for children when they will go on in their life. For instance, there are many companies required a certain level of computer program such as basic word and excel for their recruitment employees. This gives a strong notation that children should know the computer in order to be approved for their future job.

Following this look at the mentioned use of computer for the education and the need in the future professional carrier, it is necessary that children can adapt many positive things. Therefore, it is particularly desired that children should start to learn how to use computer from day one. It is recommended that their use of computer should be provisioned and guided by parent and school.

[suribright]

Hi all,

Could any one mark my essay above please? It sounds strange to me with 24 hits but no answer. I would like you to point out what I need to improve more. I wrote my essay following 15 steps of Ryan's guidance on youtube. However, I need to know how my ability is and at what level I am now. This will help me a lot. My test will be on 19 July.

Thanks!

[durai]

Today, a computer has extremely become an important machine in the modern life. However wrong transition, many people believe that this equipment has given a negative effect on the children in their daily life. In my view, I giving your view two times, redundant expression, use either ' In my view' or ' I disagree' not both completely disagree with this statement. This will be proven by analyzing the potential needs of computer for children’s progressive education and professional career.

Firstly, no one can deny that computer has been encouraging the children to study by using visual models. For example, some computer program use animations and attractive pictures.Math games in particular, help youngsters to study the subject easily and effectively. Learners keen on to score a high mark in various games and eventually gain knowledge by playing such games. This example makes clear that the computer is useful for childrens' education. This is the reason why giving a children computer to study is important.

In addition to this, having an up-front computer skills will definitely enrich the children's professional career. This gives the necessary requirement for children when they will go on in their life unclear sentence. For instance, there are many companies required a certain level of computer program such as basic word and excel for recruiting employees. This gives a strong notation that children should know the computer in order to be approved for their future job. this para lacks clarity, give reason, exaplain, example, connect your example with central topic of paragraph by using linkers

Following this look at the use of computer for the education and the need in the future professional career, it is possible that children can adapt many positive things. Therefore, it is particularly desired that children should start to learn how to use computer from day one. It is recommended that their use of computer should be provisioned and guided by parent and school.

you answered the question, but spelling mistakes, poor grammar control, and wrong choice of words are making your writing less cohesive.

looks band 5.5 to 6 ( I am not an assessor)

[suribright]

Hi Durai,

Your comments mean a lot to me. I think I have to practice more. I can see what is wrong with my essay while I was reading your notes. It sounds like I have to improve a lot on grammar and spelling. It is not so easy to recognise these problems to me. I will try to write an essay every day and hope you will give me comments.

Thank again!