TASK 1(Academic)- I need your comments

[sheilajoy]

The line graph illustrates the use of water around the world by three sectors: Agriculture, Industrial use, and Domestic use, while the table shows the water use in Brazil and Democratic Republic in Congo. Overall, Agriculture use more water compared to other sectors and Brazil used more water consumption in year 2000.

To begin, Agriculture showed a slight increase of global water consumption between 1900 to 1940 with 500 Km3 to 1,000 Km3. It grew dramatically during the 1950 to 2000, at 3,000 Km3. However, Industrial use grew steadily during the same years with only 20 Km3 approximately and slowly increase by the year 2000 at 600 Km3. Domestic use end up last with slowed increased starting the year up to year 2000 with 100 Km3.

In the table, Brazil have the highest used of water compared to Congo since the population have 176 million, irrigated land have 26, 500 km2, and water consumption per person is 359 m3 while Congo only used 8 m3 per person. Population and irrigated land of Brazil outnumbered the Congo more than half.

****I need your comments how to make my writing score reach band 7**********

[Flick]

The line graph illustrates the use of water around the world by three sectors: Agriculture, Industrial use, and Domestic use, while the table shows the water use in Brazil and the Democratic Republic of Congo. Overall, Agriculture uses more water compared to the other sectors and Brazil had a higher water consumption than the Democratic Republic of Congo in 2000.

To begin, Agriculture showed a slight increase in global water consumption between 1900 and 1940 from500 Km3 to 1,000 Km3. It grew dramatically during the 1950 to 2000 period, increasing to 3,000 Km3. However, Industrial use also grew steadily during the same years with only 20 Km3 approximately and slowly increasing to 600Km3 by 2000. Domestic use has the slowest increase, with a consumption of 100Km3 in 2000.(<-- Without the line graph and table, I cannot suggest improvements.)

As the table shows,, Brazil has the highest use of water compared to Congo since the population is 176 million, irrigated land have 26,(<-- 26 what?) 500 km2, and water consumption per person is 359 m3 while Congo only used 8 m3 per person. Population and irrigated land in Brazil outnumbered the Congo by more than half.

Hi Sheilajoy,

This is a good start, but it is difficult to comment without the line graph and table.

Thanks,
Flick