please post your comments and grade my essay

[sophiapadathiruthy]

Advances in technology and automation have reduced the need for manual labor. Therefore, working hours should be reduced.
To what extent do you agree?


Sophisticated technologies and high level machines are became the integral part of the organizations. It is a worldwide common progressive phenomenal. Some institutions already replaced the manpower with the automated technologies. This essay looks through the different reasons which emphasize on the idea of manpower is essential for the organization.
Firstly, reducing the working hours of man will lead to poverty. For example decreased hours result in decreased wages. This will end up where the family of the employees suffers to cope with their daily living demands. This makes it clear that the reducing working hours of employee can lead to serious social problems. As this shows employees are the integral part of the working organizations.
In addition to this manpower is vital asset for the companies. For instance, in some occasions automated machines fail to do something where the manpower wins with his logic and critical thinking. Technologies do only in a way that they asked to do where as employee can act by thinking about its positive and negative results. It is obvious from this that the employers should give more priority to the employees.
It has been proven that the importance of employee working in the organization is essential. Thus it is recommended that the working hours of the employee should not be reduced.

[sophiapadathiruthy]

hai Ryan, can you please look at my essay?

[durai]

Advanced technology and high level machines are becoming the integral part of the organizations. It is a worldwide common progressive phenomenal; meaning less sentence, consider removing it Some institutions have replaced with this verb, you need to refer sometime, better don't use past tense, keep past perfect the manpower with the automated technologies plural of technology is rarely used, try to use "technology". This essay looks through the different reasons which emphasize on the idea that manpower is essential for the organization. well, the question is whether working hour should be reduced or not, but you talking about manpower, so its off topic, try to understand the question before you start writing, unclear intro make examiner bit confused even though you answered properly at supporting paragraphs

Firstly, reducing the working hours of man will lead to poverty. For example, less working hours result in less income and hard to meet up the cost for everyday living expenses This makes it clear that the reducing working hours of employee can lead to serious social problems. As this shows employees are the integral part of the working organizations., last sentence is not needed

In addition to this manpower you need explain about lessening working hours, is vital asset for the companies. For instance, in some occasions automated machines fail to do something where the manpower wins with his logic and critical thinking. Technologies do only in a way that they asked to do where as employee can act by thinking about its positive and negative results. with technology , we could design the process, even in many manufacturing industries , automated system proved efficient, so you need to convince with example and explanation It is obvious from this that the employers should give more priority to the employees. whole para is completely irrelevant to task

It has been proven that the importance of employee working in the organization is essential. importance, essential means almost same, so don't prefer to use both in one sentence. Thus it is recommended that the working hours of the employee should not be reduced.


well, unclear intro....
2nd para - related to task but grammars errors sustain through out
3rd para not related to what has been asked
conclusion simple, again talking about employees but about their hours.


overall:

Task response : 5
Coherence cohesion; 5
Lexical resource; 4 poor word choices, many mistakes in choosing words
Grammar part; 6 because you didn't that many mistakes with grammar, attempt to complex patterns is visible but with errors, may make error free simple sentences

Overall looks

(5 + 5+ 4 + 6 )/ 4= 20/4=5

band 5 to 5.5 ( I am not an assessor)

[lady_artemis]

Advances in technology and automation have reduced the need for manual labor. Therefore, working hours should be reduced.
To what extent do you agree?

Hi Sophiapadathiruthy,

I hope you would not mind if I use your topic to practice my essay and post it on this thread. I am also new and I will be having my IELTS soon. I hope someone can help me grade my essay as well.. here it goes..

My essay:

I am glad with the advancement in technology and automation because it helps me finishes each work faster and still can do more. In other words I am more efficient and more productive each day. For instance, I can write tons of emails everyday and send them in just one click. The communication has been made faster and easier. Imagine how people communicated years ago. They probably wrote letters by hand and send via post mails. It would take weeks for the other person to receive and respond. On a separate note, it also pains me because I lost my work life balance. Since communication has made accessible, I receive emails non-stop and reply to them until after office hours. Having advancement in technology and automation may reduce manual labor but it does not mean that working hours has been reduced.

Thanks.

[durai]

HI lady_artemis,

You suppose to write academic essay and minimum 250 words.

The way you write looks like you talking to your friend.

Read what is IELTS essay , how to answer, what are the basic requirements,
Unless you know basic information, you cannot score well.

the above get maximum of band 4. ( only in my opinion)

Good luck...

[lady_artemis]

HI lady_artemis,

You suppose to write academic essay and minimum 250 words.

The way you write looks like you talking to your friend.

Read what is IELTS essay , how to answer, what are the basic requirements,
Unless you know basic information, you cannot score well.

the above get maximum of band 4. ( only in my opinion)

Good luck...

Noted. Appreciate your comment. Will write again. Thanks...

[sophiapadathiruthy]

Thank you Durai
I got the ielts results recently.my writing score is 6.5. Can u please help me to improve my writing?
thank you
Sophia