task1 a chart about heart attacks in the US

[alihsa8]

Hello everybody
this is my first post here
i've written a report for task 1 acadimic IELTS ,
Could you please take a look and give me some notes if you have
thanks!
The task:


my writing:
This bar graph provides statistics regarding the number of heart attacks cases in USA assorted by a patient’s age and gender within an age group consisting of ages 29 to over 65 per year.
It can be clearly seen that the lowest rate of heart attacks occurs among younger patents in an age of 29 to just under 45. Whereas the number is more developed among elders from 45 to over 65. , One’s can observe that numbers are quite relative when comparing heart attacks happening within those who aged above 45 and those who exceeded their middle sixty’s .
Another considerable comparison aspect is men and women correlation in term of numbers. For instance, a gap of more than one hundred thousand cases between men and women in ages from nearly 30 to 45 approximate. Similarly, another huge gap of nearly 300 thousand heart attack cases yearly.
To sum up with, heart attack rates are high , especially in older people. The number of cases varies considerably from men to women .

[alihsa8]

any feedback please

[Flick]

The task:


my writing:
This bar graph provides statistics regarding the number of heart attacks in the USA, grouped by age and gender consisting of ages 29 to over 65 per year.(<-- It is better to separate the groups. So consider rewording this sentence to something like: 'This bar graph provides statistics regarding the number of heart attacks in the USA separated by age and gender into three groups: 29-44 year olds, 45-64 year olds, and 65 and above.)
It can be clearly seen that the lowest rate of heart attacks occurs among patents in the 29-44 year old category.(<-- Be specific with the age group.) Whereas the number higher in the older groups. One can observe that the number of heart attacks in the 45-64 year old group and over 65 group are very similar.
Another comparison is the difference between . For instance, in the 29-44 year old group, there is a difference of over one hundred through cases between men and women. Similarly, in the 45-64 year old group, there is another huge gap of nearly 300 thousand heart attack cases.
To sum up, heart attack rates are high , especially in older people. The number of cases varies considerably from men to women .