IELTS writing! Check for me! Please

[aprodigy]

Topic: Nowadays, it is easier and more affordable for people to visit other countries, it is a positive or negative development?

It is argued that visiting other countries is easier and more affordable in today’s world whether benefits or not. I totally believe that this trend is a positive development for several reasons
First of all, it is obvious that coming to foreign countries helps us enrich more knowledge. In a little more detail, what we might discover in the countries we visit is more information of aspects like cultures, customs and even beautiful places. For instance, when you come to the Britain, you surely recognize that rose is British’s national flower because it is grown all over this country.
Another reason for this positive development is that it seems to entertain themselves for everyone. Clearly, depending on each place, visitors may choose suitable relaxations in their own ways. If you want to swim and sunbathe, you might choose beaches for your holiday. As a result, travelling helps workaholic people to escape from tasks, deadlines or even stress in hardworking days.
In short, it is easy to recognize that there are a lot of advantages when more and more people visit other countries. The most important thing is that while enjoying their holidays, visitors should be more aware of potential menaces

Which band can I get? Thank you

[Ryan]

Hi aprodigy,

The response is only 200 words, so you would be penalized for length. I'll share a few more thoughts in-text:

Topic: Nowadays, it is easier and more affordable for people to visit other countries, it is a positive or negative development?

It is argued that visiting other countries is easier and more affordable in today’s world whether benefits or not. (<--This statement of position is confusing. What does "whether benefits or not" mean? Why haven't you stated whether you feel the topic is more positive or negative in nature?) I totally believe that this trend is a positive development for several reasons (<--Where is the full stop?)
First of all, it is obvious that coming to foreign countries helps us enrich more knowledge. In a little more detail, what we might discover in the countries we visit is more information of aspects like cultures, customs and even beautiful places. For instance, when you come to the Britain, you surely recognize that rose is British’s national flower because it is grown all over this country.

(The above paragraph is overly personal. Your argument is not stated clearly and the evidence shared lacks discussion. There is no tie back to the central position of the essay. The reader is left to wonder why you've brought up the subject of the British rose. Here is a cleaned up version of this paragraph:

Firstly, the growing affordability of international travel encourages the exchange of culture and understanding. Visitors to the UK, for example, are exposed to lifestyles and opportunities that may not be available in their home countries. Taking this experience and heightened worldliness with them when they return could encourage positive development in their native land. Thus, it is clear that the increased convenience and affordability of international travel is positive in nature.

Please notice how the above follows a clear Topic > Example > Discussion > Conclusion pattern, which allows it to more fully address the essay question.)


Another reason for this positive development is that it seems to entertain themselves for everyone. (<--What does this mean?) Clearly, depending on each place, visitors may choose suitable relaxations in their own ways. If you want to swim and sunbathe, you might choose beaches for your holiday. As a result, travelling helps workaholic people to escape from tasks, deadlines or even stress in hardworking days.
In short, it is easy to recognize that there are a lot of advantages when more and more people visit other countries. The most important thing is that while enjoying their holidays, visitors should be more aware of potential menaces (<--Menaces? What does this have to do with the essay topic?)

Which band can I get? Thank you

I do not think this essay would score very well in the IELTS. There are several instances of incoherence. There is no clear argument. The logic you present is difficult to follow. The conclusion is rushed and based on incoherent examples. I imagine this essay would place in the band 4 range.

[aprodigy]

Thank you very much! I will try more and more! Hope that u can help me more !