Please rate my essay - Task 2 : Change should be acceptable

[Guru]

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is said that “Change is the only constant” of this universe. The scientists say that not only the universe is ever growing every second but also the human body is renewing every moment with thousands of new cells forming regularly. Although avoiding change can be beneficial on certain occasions, the ability of adapting to change is always a better and positive human quality.

Some people are very staunch supporters of past cultural traditions and values; therefore, they avoid change to such practices very strongly. For example, certain African and Asian tribes protect their age old customs and traditions, which even though anachronistic are still extremely important to preserve their communities’ social and cultural identity. So, we can see that preventing the erosion of old community values and traditions preserves the essential cultural fabric of a group of people. On the other hand, resistance to change may lead to a detrimental effect on the social and economic growth of a nation. For instance, some undeveloped countries in Africa have shown a strong resistance to educating their masses and embracing technology, which has led to a retardation of their economic growth. It is clearly evident that avoiding change has its drawbacks.

Observing the growth of individuals and nations who embrace change shows a strong correlation between change and innovation. For example, the western civilization pioneered the industrial revolution in the 18th century followed by the Internet revolution in the 21st century, as a result of which the world economies have become deeply interconnected thereby providing greater avenues of economic and social growth for each other. Furthermore, change is only harmful if it is not accepted or implemented in a well planned manner. If things are done haphazardly, for example, a company implementing an industrial project on a large scale without first testing a pilot project of the same, may cause adverse results leading to the doomsday for that company. So change should always be absorbed in moderation and well thought out manner.

To sum up, in my opinion change should always be accepted because it is the precursor to growth and development not only for an individual but also for the society at large.

[Guru]

Can someone please evaluate my essay? Thank you.

[Guru]

Please provide your valuable comments.

[meglio]

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Hi there.

In my opinion, your introduction is rather focused on "universe" and "human anatomy", while the reader expects something related to whether or not changing professions is a good thing. Also, your sentence about adapting to change is unrelated to the topic. It is nowhere asked to discuss the adapting to change, nor it's said that people have to change their occupation because of changes happening around they. Instead, your own opinion should say about whether it's a good or bad thing for people to change what they do for living. I'd also add another sentence named "outline" if interpreted by Ryan's IELTS writing book. In the outline I'd say what exactly I'm going to review in the following paragraphs to back up my view.

Considering all corrections above, one could come up with something like following.
Please take into account that I'm not a native and have never set an IELTS exam, so I may be mistaken in my propositions or inaccurate in my grammar.


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Not all people tend to change their professions during their lives. It is argued, however, that changing occupation time to time has a lot of benefits for human being. While many different factors dictate our preferences in such a delicate subject, my view is that there are more advantages than drawbacks in every switch to a new profession. Discussing what science says about the constancy of people activities and reviewing an inspiring case from real life shows this.

[durai]

Hi Guru,,


yet again you gave us a big essay around 360 words....try to give 260 instead.

only one thing I would like say about your essay, you repeated the word " change" 10 times, this reduce your lexical resource mark even though you have used other good words. just keep in mind.

first, try not to repeat words, then use your language skills, the examiner wont impress if they read a same word many occasion.


Durai

[Guru]

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Hi there.

In my opinion, your introduction is rather focused on "universe" and "human anatomy", while the reader expects something related to whether or not changing professions is a good thing. Also, your sentence about adapting to change is unrelated to the topic. It is nowhere asked to discuss the adapting to change, nor it's said that people have to change their occupation because of changes happening around they. Instead, your own opinion should say about whether it's a good or bad thing for people to change what they do for living. I'd also add another sentence named "outline" if interpreted by Ryan's IELTS writing book. In the outline I'd say what exactly I'm going to review in the following paragraphs to back up my view.

Considering all corrections above, one could come up with something like following.
Please take into account that I'm not a native and have never set an IELTS exam, so I may be mistaken in my propositions or inaccurate in my grammar.


---

Not all people tend to change their professions during their lives. It is argued, however, that changing occupation time to time has a lot of benefits for human being. While many different factors dictate our preferences in such a delicate subject, my view is that there are more advantages than drawbacks in every switch to a new profession. Discussing what science says about the constancy of people activities and reviewing an inspiring case from real life shows this.

First of all, thanks for your time.

I would tend to disagree with you. The topic does NOT talk about change in profession. So I would politely disagree with your feedback as your understanding of the topic seems to have missed the target.

[Guru]

Hi Guru,,


yet again you gave us a big essay around 360 words....try to give 260 instead.

only one thing I would like say about your essay, you repeated the word " change" 10 times, this reduce your lexical resource mark even though you have used other good words. just keep in mind.

first, try not to repeat words, then use your language skills, the examiner wont impress if they read a same word many occasion.


Durai

Thanks Durai for your comments.

Word count of 360 is never a negative - in fact there is NO upper limit. It's only that a 270 odd words essay will have lesser scope for mistakes.

What other word would you suggest for "Change" in context of the sentences?

[durai]

you can try

transform, transition, variance, modify, alter, various, alternate, shift, switch,

at some places you can use opposite of change: monotonous, stereotype, similar,

but your usage must be appropriate.


durai

[meglio]

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things

Well, what else crosses your mind when talking about what people spend their lives on?
In my opinion, it refers to their jobs.
What other ideas do you have?

[Guru]

Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things

Well, what else crosses your mind when talking about what people spend their lives on?
In my opinion, it refers to their jobs.
What other ideas do you have?

Again that is an interpretation on your side - professional work is one aspect but there could be many more.

As I wrote in my essay people could follow the same traditions throughout their lives, same lifelong habits of avoiding good things in life e.g. education & technology, embrace change in terms of industrial and technology revolution which affects their lives. I think the essay topic is well addressed.

In addition, people spend their whole lives with negative attitudes towards life. Others develop some good habits like going for a morning walk or taking up professional sport which is good for ones' health. People do many different things in life just other than working.

[Guru]

you can try

transform, transition, variance, modify, alter, various, alternate, shift, switch,

at some places you can use opposite of change: monotonous, stereotype, similar,

but your usage must be appropriate.


durai

Thanks for sharing the list. Actually I was looking for appropriate words that could be used in "context of the sentences written in the essay". But point well taken and moving forward I'd ensure to use more synonyms to break the monotony of repeated word(s).