My first task 1 essay, can you please evaluate?

[PlayboiCarti]

The 2 charts demonstrate results in a survey of adults’ opinions on the reasons they continue education and how tuition fees should be shared.

Overall, their interest in the subjects and courses’ qualifications are the major answers to why they chose education at such time. Interestingly, with small fluctuations, individuals are should receive the most share of the tuition money according to the interviews.

From the bar chart, up to 40% are intrigued by the subject, additionally, gaining certificates is a close option with 38%. However, finding the course helpful for their job is a less popular choice with 22%, as well as aiming for promotions and enjoying studying both at 20%. Only a minority of the interview participants picked changing their occupation and introducing themselves to meet people as motivation, hence resulted in only 12% and 9% respectively.

Taking course expenses into the equation, 40% of people find it reasonable to purchase it themselves. On the other hand, employers should pay for their education makes up 35% of the population, leaving only a quarter to the taxpayers.

P/s: Thanks for your effort, it'll be appreciated

[locky72]

Hi PlayboyCarti,

I have had a quick look at your task one response. It is easy to follow and logically discussed. You make effort to paraphrase the words in the question and substitute them with your own words but not always accurately. You include data to support your discussion which is good for task achievement. I am not sure why you use the phrase 'upto 40% are intrigued' when the bar graph shows that exactly 40% are interested in the subjects they are studying. There is also some grouping/ combining of data which is good.

In paragraph 2 you include an overview of the graphs but the second sentence isn't accurate or states what the graph represents. Individuals don't receive tuition money, but it is thought they should be responsible for paying 40% of the costs. This could limit your Task Achievement score due to inaccuracy. Also, what do you mean by 'with small fluctuations' ? I think you mean to say 'with some differences [between individuals, taxpayers, and employers'] and how much they should contribute to the cost of adult education courses'.

In paragraph 4, again there is a misunderstanding of what the second graph (pie chart) shows. The pie chart shows the results of a survey about how the costs of adult education courses should be shared between individuals, the government, and their employers. For example, if the course cost $100, then the individual should pay $40, the government (taxpayers) $25, and employers $35. Your fourth paragraph should be something like this:

'The survey also showed how the cost of adult education courses should be shared between individuals taking the course, taxpayers, and employers. Individuals should shoulder a large proportion of the cost (40%), followed by their employers (35%), and finally the government (25%).'

With respect to grammar, I can't see a correct complex sentence, however, I do see a good use of a modal verb (should) in paragraph 4.

Attached is a copy of what band levels this essay might achieve.