Please evaluate my writing task 1

[dbuiasl123]

https://www.google.com.vn/search?tbm=is ... LdkpSonY5M

The pie chart illustrates a variety of careers for Anthropology students after graduating from a university while the table gives the information on how much the anthropologist get pay from their jobs after five years.

Overall, the percentage of graduates who get Anthropology as a full-time job accounts for the highest among other destinations. Additionally, the amount of anthropologists’ salaries is mainly high after 5 years of working experience.

According to the pie chart, 52% of college students choose to have full-time work. The second common goal for them is doing part-time jobs with 15%, which is roughly equal with the figure for unemployment at 12%. The proportion of students who enrol full-time postgrad study and unknown jobs stand the same at 8%, which become the third destination. Only 5% of students make up with participating in part-time work and undertaking further study at the same time.

On the other hand, the table shows that 80% of anthropologists who work as freelance consultants and those working for government sectors have higher salaries with over 75,000 dollars. Only 5% among them have income from $25,000 to $49,999, which is 5% lower than the figure for those working for private companies. Besides, the majority of people who work for these companies get pay of $50,000 to $74,999 with 35%.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission dbuiasl123!! Please see my rewrite below ...

The pie chart illustrates a variety of careers for anthropology (no capital "A" needed here) students after graduating from a university while the table gives (delete 'the') information on how much (delete 'the') anthropologistS (add 's') get PAID from their jobs after five years. Overall, the percentage of graduates who get FULL-TIME anthropology jobS accounts for the highest among ALL JOBS. Additionally, (DELETE 'the amount of anthropologists’ salaries is mainly high after 5 years of working experience') salaries for anthropologists is quite/relatively high after five years of working.

According to the pie chart, 52% of college students choose to have full-time work. The second MOST common goal for them is doing part-time jobs AT 15%, which is roughly equal with the figure for THE UNEMPLOYED at 12%. The proportion of students who enrol IN full-time postgrad study and unknown jobs stand the same at 8%, which become the third MOST POPULAR destination FOR GRADUATES. Only 5% of THE GRADUATING students ARE MADE UP OF THOSE participating in part-time work and undertaking further study at the same time. On the other hand, the table shows that 80% of anthropologists who work as freelance consultants and those working for government sectors have higher salaries AT over 75,000 dollars. Only 5% OF THESE PEOPLE have AN income OF BETWEEN $25,000 AND $49,999, which is 5% lower than the figure for those working for private companies. Besides, the majority of people who work for these companies get PAID BETWEEN $50,000 AND $74,999 (AT 35%).



This is quite a nice first try for a task 1. The main issues are paragraphing, cohesion, and some strange word choices like "destination" (without a prepositional phrase attached to complete the meaning).

Advice:
1. Combine the first sentence with the "Overall ..." sentence into your introduction. Also, it might be a good idea to put the third sentence "Additionally...") into the second paragraph because this makes the introduction a little long.
2. Combine the final paragraph into the second paragraph to make a large details and comparisons section.
3. There are quite a few prepositional errors, especially confusion regarding 'at' and 'with'. Be careful!
4. There was not enough connecting language in your third paragraph. Make sure all sentences are connected together properly.

Check out my full Task 1 demo in the links at the top...

Band-score:
TA: 6.5
G: 6.0
V: 6.5
CC: 5.5

[dbuiasl123]

Thank you so much for it. I just start to practice ielts and wish I can know my band at the begining and could you mark the essay task 2, please? I will appreciate so much.

[goldcoastielts]

Because you are so polite I will do it. Good luck!