Writing task 2 please evaluate

[habibka]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
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Groaning about allocated budgets for extracurricular activities are commonplace among college students. Universities often allocate limited funds for external activities in favor of providing more for libraries and classes. In their view academic curricular are paramount. I completely disagree with this idea and in this essay, I will support my opinion with examples.

Firstly, the extra skills that one attains have positive effects on their career and study. For example, I attended calligraphy classes during my college years, which was completely unrelated to my field of study, computer engineering. Nonetheless, it helped me in various situations in my career such as helping me to solve the aesthetic problems of applications. These activities might seem off-topic at first and might even be considered harmful to one's academic performance, but they influence how they solve problems in their study or career. Generally, student's minds are bounded to some widely accepted solutions for each problem, while extracurricular activities such as arts and athletics can broaden their horizon to tackle the problem in a brand new way. Thus, this makes it clear that those areas are deserved to receive more support from the university.

Secondly, physical activities play an important role in how we learn and how efficient that is. Dr. Barbara Oakley, writer of the acclaimed book, “Learning How To Learn” categorically states in her book that sports generate new neurons in our brain which are then recruited to help us to learn more effectively. She also suggests that every time you get stuck on a difficult issue, at first try to solve it with every solution that comes to your mind. Then leave it and do some exercise such as running, playing basketball and soon. Your brain will continue processing the issue in tandem with your activity, and consequently, you will end up with a brilliant idea due to the help of newly born neurons. In the end, she suggested that sports should be an integral part of schools.

In conclusion, although it is a common belief that there is no need for universities to support sports and social activities, I believe those activities are necessary to cultivate students' creativity and help them to learn more efficiently. Personally, I think there should be even more funding for them than classes and libraries.

[goldcoastielts]

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Thanks for your submission habibka!! Please see my rewrite below ...

INTRO:
Groaning about allocated budgets for extracurricular activities are commonplace among college students .. IT IS OFTEN COMMON FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS TO MOAN ABOUT THE BUDGETS THAT ARE ALLOCATED TO EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES. Universities often allocate limited funds TO external activities in favor of providing more for libraries and classes. In their view academic curricular are paramount. I completely disagree with this idea and in this essay, I will support my opinion with examples.

B1:
Firstly, the extra skills that one attains have positive effects on their career and study. For example, I attended calligraphy classes during my college years, AND THIS was completely unrelated to my field of study, computer engineering. Nonetheless, it DID HELP (for emphasis) me in various situations in my career, (add comma) such as helping me WHEN I HAD to solve the aesthetic problems of applications AESTHETIC PROBLEMS RELATED TO APPLICATIONS.These activities might seem off-topic at first, (add comma) and might even be considered harmful to one's academic performance, but they influence how they solve problems in their study or career CAN IN FACT CONTRIBUTE INDIRECTLY TO HOW STUDENTS SOLVE PROBLEMS IN THE FUTURE. Generally, student's minds STUDENTS' MINDS/THE MINDS OF STUDENTS are BOUND to some widely accepted solutions for each problem WAYS OF SOLVING PROBLEMS. ON THE OTHER HAND, extracurricular activities such as arts and athletics can broaden STUDENTS' horizonS AND HELP THEM TO tackle the problem in a brand new way. Thus, this ARGUMENT makes it clear that those EXTRACURRICULAR areas are deserved to receive more support from the university.

B2:
Secondly, physical activities play an important role in how we learn and how efficient that (what is 'that'? activities? role?) is. Dr. Barbara Oakley, writer of the acclaimed book, “Learning How To Learn”, (add comma) (categorically) states CATEGORICALLY in her book that sports generateS ('sports' here is a general term, not a plural) new neurons in our brain which are then recruited to help us to learn more effectively. She also suggests that every time you get stuck on a difficult issue, YOU SHOULD at first try to solve it with every BY ANY solution that comes to (delete 'your') mind. Then leave it and do some exercise such as running, playing basketball and soon OR/AND SO ON. Your brain will continue processing the issue in tandem with THE activity, and consequently, you will end up with a brilliant idea due to the help of THE newly born neurons. In the end, she suggestS that sports should be an integral part of ALL SCHOOL CURRICULUMS.

CONC:
In conclusion, although it is a common belief that there is no need for universities to support sports and social activities, I believe those activities are necessary to cultivate students' creativity and help them to learn more efficiently. Personally, I think there should be even more funding for them than THERE CURRENTLY IS FOR classes and libraries.

REALLY GOOD ESSAY, BUT A LITTLE TOO LONG. I THINK THE BODY PARAGRAPHS WILL BE RUNNING TO ABOUT 140+ WORDS EACH...

Advice:
1. Don't make overly long and wordy subjects like in the very first sentence. Keep subjects simple, or make them longer with relative clauses.
2. Sometimes your nouns were a little unclear. "areas" at the end of B1 is a good example. Which areas? You need to explain these words with an adjective because it is often not clear what they are referring back to. You need to make this clear in English.
3. The grammar is really excellent here. Just sometimes when you write an extra-long sentence, I had to rewrite extended pieces of text, especially in the B1.

Band-score:
TA: 8.0
G: 7.5
V: 7.5
CC: 7.5

[habibka]

Thank you, goldcoastielts, I'll try to apply your recommendations to my next essays.